Blast from a PAST Blog:
Reading a book by Jacob Neddleman - The American Soul. Think on this:
"Laws and statutes, no matter how carefully written, can never take the place of individual ethical choice or action."
How does this relate to me and my job?
I supervise people who occassionally will point to policy and ask 'show me where it says I have to do (whatever).' The above exerpt explains it all. I cannot, nor can our employers, or on a bigger scale, our society/government, make laws to cover everything. We have to do what we know is best, what we know is right.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
New job started, house sold in SF, waiting for purchase to be final in the "new" house, and all my stuff is in storage. It was hard to see my old home empty... it is final, and sinking in that the house isn't "mine" anymore. It doesn't belong to me. That deepens the feeling of not belonging, a sadness, an aloneness that I feel I fight all the time. On my way to work this morning I thought I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could turn back the time; stay in SF, stay at my old position.
It isn't that I was happy at that old job, at that old house. But I belonged. It isn't exciting to be in a new city trying to find where I fit. But I have to admit I didn't fit in SF, either. Not really. Perhaps I like feeling like I don't fit. Without fitting, I don't have to feel for anything, or anyone. I would say that I hate being lonely, yet I often find I am most comfortable when I am alone. What a sad, sad life I have made for myself. I haven't found joy in anything for a long time. I don't want to commit to anything or anyone because that might mean I will have to feel something, and that makes me uncomfortable. I know that if I don't feel, than I can't let anyone feel for me and that way I don't have to feel for them. Yeah, I got a serious problem because I cannot relax.
It isn't that I was happy at that old job, at that old house. But I belonged. It isn't exciting to be in a new city trying to find where I fit. But I have to admit I didn't fit in SF, either. Not really. Perhaps I like feeling like I don't fit. Without fitting, I don't have to feel for anything, or anyone. I would say that I hate being lonely, yet I often find I am most comfortable when I am alone. What a sad, sad life I have made for myself. I haven't found joy in anything for a long time. I don't want to commit to anything or anyone because that might mean I will have to feel something, and that makes me uncomfortable. I know that if I don't feel, than I can't let anyone feel for me and that way I don't have to feel for them. Yeah, I got a serious problem because I cannot relax.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Dawg house
Yeah, so... I can't believe I started a new job. Well, I am stable with the same "company" but I have relocated. It is kinda like death. So sudden and completed so quickly. Think of it, you get news that someone you know dies. 3 or 4 days later, there is the funeral. A get together immediately at the home of loved ones, hanging around, telling stories, comforting and being comforted. Then life goes on. That is it.
That is how my transfer is... Interview for the job, get the job, wait for the formal transfer, then ... finish at the last location, pack some things, sell the house, drive to the new city, find lodging, try to find a new house to buy, go to work at the new location - with evenings spent reading, talking on the phone to the lover you miss, watch a dvd, go to bed, go to the gym, go to work. I don't know hardly anybody, but what the hell, I was spending a lot of time alone at the last place too... only I don't know this place. So, computer and internet access limited, which means, not from "home" since there is no wireless where I am lodged. Then what? Wait to hear if the bid on the house you saw last weekend will get taken, and try to look for others, just in case. Worry about what to do with your cats after the movers pack up the old place because, in less than 23 days, it isn't yours anymore.
The house you lived in, fixed up, for 9 years is someone elses. In only 34 days. Heck, that is longer than death. This sucks.
So, tonight I will try to scam a TV from the lodging location, call my girlfriend, and try to watch TV via telephone with her. Then off to bed, get up for the gym, Thursday is just like Wednesday and Tuesday... Don't like not having my own house. This sucks.
Yeah, so... I can't believe I started a new job. Well, I am stable with the same "company" but I have relocated. It is kinda like death. So sudden and completed so quickly. Think of it, you get news that someone you know dies. 3 or 4 days later, there is the funeral. A get together immediately at the home of loved ones, hanging around, telling stories, comforting and being comforted. Then life goes on. That is it.
That is how my transfer is... Interview for the job, get the job, wait for the formal transfer, then ... finish at the last location, pack some things, sell the house, drive to the new city, find lodging, try to find a new house to buy, go to work at the new location - with evenings spent reading, talking on the phone to the lover you miss, watch a dvd, go to bed, go to the gym, go to work. I don't know hardly anybody, but what the hell, I was spending a lot of time alone at the last place too... only I don't know this place. So, computer and internet access limited, which means, not from "home" since there is no wireless where I am lodged. Then what? Wait to hear if the bid on the house you saw last weekend will get taken, and try to look for others, just in case. Worry about what to do with your cats after the movers pack up the old place because, in less than 23 days, it isn't yours anymore.
The house you lived in, fixed up, for 9 years is someone elses. In only 34 days. Heck, that is longer than death. This sucks.
So, tonight I will try to scam a TV from the lodging location, call my girlfriend, and try to watch TV via telephone with her. Then off to bed, get up for the gym, Thursday is just like Wednesday and Tuesday... Don't like not having my own house. This sucks.
Dawg house
Yeah, so... I can't believe I started a new job. Well, I am stable with the same "company" but I have relocated. It is kinda like death. So sudden and completed so quickly. Think of it, you get news that someone you know dies. 3 or 4 days later, there is the funeral. A get together immediately at the home of loved ones, hanging around, telling stories, comforting and being comforted. Then life goes on. That is it.
That is how my transfer is... Interview for the job, get the job, wait for the formal transfer, then ... finish at the last location, pack some things, sell the house, drive to the new city, find lodging, try to find a new house to buy, go to work at the new location - with evenings spent reading, talking on the phone to the lover you miss, watch a dvd, go to bed, go to the gym, go to work. I don't know hardly anybody, but what the hell, I was spending a lot of time alone at the last place too... only I don't know this place. So, computer and internet access limited, which means, not from "home" since there is no wireless where I am lodged. Then what? Wait to hear if the bid on the house you saw last weekend will get taken, and try to look for others, just in case. Worry about what to do with your cats after the movers pack up the old place because, in less than 23 days, it isn't yours anymore.
The house you lived in, fixed up, for 9 years is someone elses. In only 34 days. Heck, that is longer than death. This sucks.
So, tonight I will try to scam a TV from the lodging location, call my girlfriend, and try to watch TV via telephone with her. Then off to bed, get up for the gym, Thursday is just like Wednesday and Tuesday... Don't like not having my own house. This sucks.
Yeah, so... I can't believe I started a new job. Well, I am stable with the same "company" but I have relocated. It is kinda like death. So sudden and completed so quickly. Think of it, you get news that someone you know dies. 3 or 4 days later, there is the funeral. A get together immediately at the home of loved ones, hanging around, telling stories, comforting and being comforted. Then life goes on. That is it.
That is how my transfer is... Interview for the job, get the job, wait for the formal transfer, then ... finish at the last location, pack some things, sell the house, drive to the new city, find lodging, try to find a new house to buy, go to work at the new location - with evenings spent reading, talking on the phone to the lover you miss, watch a dvd, go to bed, go to the gym, go to work. I don't know hardly anybody, but what the hell, I was spending a lot of time alone at the last place too... only I don't know this place. So, computer and internet access limited, which means, not from "home" since there is no wireless where I am lodged. Then what? Wait to hear if the bid on the house you saw last weekend will get taken, and try to look for others, just in case. Worry about what to do with your cats after the movers pack up the old place because, in less than 23 days, it isn't yours anymore.
The house you lived in, fixed up, for 9 years is someone elses. In only 34 days. Heck, that is longer than death. This sucks.
So, tonight I will try to scam a TV from the lodging location, call my girlfriend, and try to watch TV via telephone with her. Then off to bed, get up for the gym, Thursday is just like Wednesday and Tuesday... Don't like not having my own house. This sucks.
Dawg house
Ewww,,, how about that latest global tragedy? My god! Is there one? Really, is there? Are we just spinning around, evolved from protozoa from eons and eons uncountable, destined to meet the same fate as our fellow and former occupants of this 3rd rock from the "sun?" Is it possible that nature happens, the planet is living, and we are just dust mites? Well, I am sure we are more than dust mites, since this particular species, the human being species, is responsible for the destruction of more fellow species than any other species - or natural event for that matter, AND how about, we are becoming responsible for altering the planet? If we do not let nature "take its course" will the consequences be worse than just a natural progression? Who knows these things?
Ewww,,, how about that latest global tragedy? My god! Is there one? Really, is there? Are we just spinning around, evolved from protozoa from eons and eons uncountable, destined to meet the same fate as our fellow and former occupants of this 3rd rock from the "sun?" Is it possible that nature happens, the planet is living, and we are just dust mites? Well, I am sure we are more than dust mites, since this particular species, the human being species, is responsible for the destruction of more fellow species than any other species - or natural event for that matter, AND how about, we are becoming responsible for altering the planet? If we do not let nature "take its course" will the consequences be worse than just a natural progression? Who knows these things?
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Awesome! Just listened, and made notes, from KQED’s Forum program on the Intelligence Overhaul. Yeah, I don’t believe making bureaucracy bigger will help. We are no safer under the eye of government, of “big brother.” Actually, we are more in danger, individually in danger for our opinions, our dissident thoughts. Woe to the person who disagrees. But that is another issue. The radio program wasn’t about that.
http://www.kqed.org/epArchive/R412080900 check it out. Especially the last minutes of the program. Where a caller brings up the money issue and the idea that Americans are hated, and especially the comments by George Friedman. In a nutshell, it ain’t about us. How convenient if it were. Just like any dysfunctional person (hey, I should know, this is my personal cross to bear), if it were about ‘us’ we could change, we could control it. See – control. Yeah, I’m a freak of the control kind, but that is beside the point. The point is, and yes I have one, Al Qaida, this recent attack on our American way of life, isn’t because Americans are asses – we are, admit it. It isn’t because we are arrogant – we are. It is a religious insurgency. Al Qaida has a hope for a future way of life, a world order, based in a sect of the Muslim religion. Do I need to remind everyone how oppressive and repressive that will be?
I had always held that we should all live together, live and let live, you believe what you want, I will believe what I want – we all have our truths. Just stay out of and away from my body. Give me liberty to pursue my path. Well, this won’t be the way it is in a world where we live by an interpretation of an ancient religious book by a repressive sect of leaders. What do we do about that? Am I for the "war" in Iraq? No. But.... how to fight this crusade by Al Qaida
http://www.kqed.org/epArchive/R412080900 check it out. Especially the last minutes of the program. Where a caller brings up the money issue and the idea that Americans are hated, and especially the comments by George Friedman. In a nutshell, it ain’t about us. How convenient if it were. Just like any dysfunctional person (hey, I should know, this is my personal cross to bear), if it were about ‘us’ we could change, we could control it. See – control. Yeah, I’m a freak of the control kind, but that is beside the point. The point is, and yes I have one, Al Qaida, this recent attack on our American way of life, isn’t because Americans are asses – we are, admit it. It isn’t because we are arrogant – we are. It is a religious insurgency. Al Qaida has a hope for a future way of life, a world order, based in a sect of the Muslim religion. Do I need to remind everyone how oppressive and repressive that will be?
I had always held that we should all live together, live and let live, you believe what you want, I will believe what I want – we all have our truths. Just stay out of and away from my body. Give me liberty to pursue my path. Well, this won’t be the way it is in a world where we live by an interpretation of an ancient religious book by a repressive sect of leaders. What do we do about that? Am I for the "war" in Iraq? No. But.... how to fight this crusade by Al Qaida
Friday, October 15, 2004
MSNBC - Try a Slice of Humble Pie
Hope this link goes ot newsweek and the article "Try a Slice of Humble Pie" It is what is wrong with the current leadership in the White House - All Yes Men.
peace out.
Hope this link goes ot newsweek and the article "Try a Slice of Humble Pie" It is what is wrong with the current leadership in the White House - All Yes Men.
peace out.
THE PLAYERS - The Cast Of Characters
Well, the world keeps turning. That phrase belies the fact that most of us relate to it as if it wasn't round. Think of it, what are some of the common phrases? Waiting for what lies "around the corner." or let's see what is "around the bend." We think of the world, our existence, as a continuum. It isn't, no matter what we think. There is no "road" we are on, that begins there and ends somewhere over the horizon. Do you hear me? Know what I mean? Can you see it? How hard is it, though, to put ourselves someplace other than having a beginning and an end?
Don't we speak of our adventures as having a start and and end place? I think that my life is many adventures, many of these playing out at the same time. Short adventures entwined with a longer adventure that is within an even longer adventure. For instance, the short adventures of my day to day work is within my career, and within that has been shorter adventures. The day to day, the adventure of working a certain position for the past 8 years which is within the entire time line of my overall work adventure. How strange to think of work as an adventure. Maybe that tells you something of how I think of my work - that I have enjoyed it, for the most part. I am glad to have been doing it as opposed to tracking and shipping large underground storage tanks (previous job) or purchasing steel from Germany and Japan (previous job). For a long time, I worked to live, for a longer time, I lived to work because I liked it immensely. Now, I just want to get through it, move on to a new position to jump start my passion - and enjoy working to live.
Ultimately, I look forward to ending my working adventure and continue with my life's adventure, of course with smaller adventures interjected. Like travel. Perhaps even a new passion to follow, make some money at it, write about it - or write. Can I become a journalist this late in life? Hm....
Well, the world keeps turning. That phrase belies the fact that most of us relate to it as if it wasn't round. Think of it, what are some of the common phrases? Waiting for what lies "around the corner." or let's see what is "around the bend." We think of the world, our existence, as a continuum. It isn't, no matter what we think. There is no "road" we are on, that begins there and ends somewhere over the horizon. Do you hear me? Know what I mean? Can you see it? How hard is it, though, to put ourselves someplace other than having a beginning and an end?
Don't we speak of our adventures as having a start and and end place? I think that my life is many adventures, many of these playing out at the same time. Short adventures entwined with a longer adventure that is within an even longer adventure. For instance, the short adventures of my day to day work is within my career, and within that has been shorter adventures. The day to day, the adventure of working a certain position for the past 8 years which is within the entire time line of my overall work adventure. How strange to think of work as an adventure. Maybe that tells you something of how I think of my work - that I have enjoyed it, for the most part. I am glad to have been doing it as opposed to tracking and shipping large underground storage tanks (previous job) or purchasing steel from Germany and Japan (previous job). For a long time, I worked to live, for a longer time, I lived to work because I liked it immensely. Now, I just want to get through it, move on to a new position to jump start my passion - and enjoy working to live.
Ultimately, I look forward to ending my working adventure and continue with my life's adventure, of course with smaller adventures interjected. Like travel. Perhaps even a new passion to follow, make some money at it, write about it - or write. Can I become a journalist this late in life? Hm....
Monday, October 11, 2004
It Will All Be Over Soon / BushCo? Kerry? SUV gluttony? Your last orgasm? All flashes in the geological pan, baby. Don't forget
just thanking my pal colleen for turning me onto Morford's columns (SF Gate). wow.
just thanking my pal colleen for turning me onto Morford's columns (SF Gate). wow.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
SF Gate: News and Information for the San Francisco Bay Area
Yes it worked! ahahahahhaha I just tap the thingy 'blog this' and i get to post . easier than logging on, i just might use this more often.
Yes it worked! ahahahahhaha I just tap the thingy 'blog this' and i get to post . easier than logging on, i just might use this more often.
Hm trying new thing. Always try new stuff, but it isn't always gonna work like one would expect.
It is the end of my vacation. I had a good run. Spent time with Naomi and my sis (probably the best time is with my sis).
I have a laptop computer and take baby steps into the new tech world. I have convinced myself that I will need this cool tool because I fully expect to get a new position with the CHP. If so, there will be some travel and a need for a laptop.
Or shall I just start to learn to write? Write something profound? Or not. Haven't I got any story to tell?
Google Store
It is the end of my vacation. I had a good run. Spent time with Naomi and my sis (probably the best time is with my sis).
I have a laptop computer and take baby steps into the new tech world. I have convinced myself that I will need this cool tool because I fully expect to get a new position with the CHP. If so, there will be some travel and a need for a laptop.
Or shall I just start to learn to write? Write something profound? Or not. Haven't I got any story to tell?
Google Store
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Well, how about that California's governor? He turned all Hollywood using catch phrases to stir up the masses. It goes against his very own promise, ala GW Bush, to be a uniter. "Girlie-men" and "terminate" are terms to stir up the masses, and that is all these terms are meant to do. I don't know what is more shameful, that Mr. Schwarzenegger is nothing beyond an action hero actor playing at governing, or that the public he speaks to, and who elected him, are lightweight enough to go along with him.
I am not taking anything away from his good intentions; that Mr. Schwarzenagger wants to do a good job. He just doesn't no how to be effective beyond stirring the masses with his dopey Hollywood-speak.
No matter how "funny" one might think it is, the danger with belittling people you don't agree with is it allows for de-humanizing thought of people who are not "us." Instead of true discussion, debate, a chance to compromise and make things actually better, the group you don't agree with is marginalized. And folks who are placed on the margin stop talking to you - and NOTHING gets done.
Mr. Schwarzenegger, you reduced your credibility. You reduced the ability to have cooperative government because you resorted to stupid name-calling. The excuse your public affairs people say, that you get excited and carried away, does not give you license to carry-on like a spoiled actor, getting to act outrageously. These incidents show that you are not interested in making the state government work better, you are interested in getting "your side" a win at the cost of mature statesmanship.
I hate to say this to all of my friends who voted for Mr. Schwarzenegger, but "I told you so."
Oh, and one last thing - about putting a ballot before the people. Mr. Schwarzenegger didn't think of it in time for the November elections, so he is proposing a special election just to get a ballot to make the legislature part-time. YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE MONEY? This is ridiculous! The only thing that will come of this is a stronger governor - oh, so that is your agenda?
Gimme a break, can't the rest of you see what is wrong with this picture?
I am not taking anything away from his good intentions; that Mr. Schwarzenagger wants to do a good job. He just doesn't no how to be effective beyond stirring the masses with his dopey Hollywood-speak.
No matter how "funny" one might think it is, the danger with belittling people you don't agree with is it allows for de-humanizing thought of people who are not "us." Instead of true discussion, debate, a chance to compromise and make things actually better, the group you don't agree with is marginalized. And folks who are placed on the margin stop talking to you - and NOTHING gets done.
Mr. Schwarzenegger, you reduced your credibility. You reduced the ability to have cooperative government because you resorted to stupid name-calling. The excuse your public affairs people say, that you get excited and carried away, does not give you license to carry-on like a spoiled actor, getting to act outrageously. These incidents show that you are not interested in making the state government work better, you are interested in getting "your side" a win at the cost of mature statesmanship.
I hate to say this to all of my friends who voted for Mr. Schwarzenegger, but "I told you so."
Oh, and one last thing - about putting a ballot before the people. Mr. Schwarzenegger didn't think of it in time for the November elections, so he is proposing a special election just to get a ballot to make the legislature part-time. YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE MONEY? This is ridiculous! The only thing that will come of this is a stronger governor - oh, so that is your agenda?
Gimme a break, can't the rest of you see what is wrong with this picture?
Monday, July 28, 2003
Golly wally - what a week I had. Yes, heard from Anita, and she told me her meeting was more than she expected. I asked if it was what she hoped and she said it was more. I hear this at some ungodly early morning hour, but I had been home for 1 hr and was asleep. Needless to say, I did not fall back to sleep easily. It was Wednesday and I was sad. Strange, I was more sad about this - what wasn't - than I was at Lori's betrayal and her leaving me. Maybe I'm kidding myself. No, my stomach did not feel better...
I talked to Anita again on Friday - after I taught all day. I actually took a chicken way out and texted a message. She called me and after a moment invited me to a gig she had going Saturday; she didn't invite me to stay with her, but encouraged me to come and stay with my other friends. I agreed to attend. Why did I want to torture myself? I know that she was taken by Texas and she will explore that - I see her falling in love and moving. Why? I don't know, but I like her company and believe it is more value. She said that she met a great friend and said it was me. I get to find out if that was something she just said for my benefit or if it was true. I'm thinking true. I would be disappointed with nothing buy the honest truth from her.
So this Saturday - what did I learn? I learned that I am definately a catch and learned that 2 women have desired me (perhaps not now). Anita said she doesn't understand how she can meet two "potentials" at almost the same time and she only chooses Texas over me because of her past with her. Wow. Am I being strung along? Well, if I am, it is nice and makes me feel secure. I tell Marvin why I am attracted to Anita and during our conversation I tell him that next time I come to Sac that I will provide more warning so I can catch up with the DeAnns. Then I let slip that I have always had a crush on his sister. I ask him to please keep it to himself; we giggle alittle about it and then he tells me something I never would have expected: that his sister told him once that if she were single that I would be the one... of course that implies that she would have sought me out. 2 in one weekend. I'm amazed and extremely flattered.
I did not tell Marvin that my crush on his sister was why I had fallen out of touch with her over the years. I even remember when that feeling was extremely intense once when she came to SF for business and asked me to meet for dinner. She invited Lori and I, but, of course, Lori had become isolated and seemed not to go anywhere with me. That was so many years ago ... I'd have to guess it was probably 1997. I met DeAnn at her hotel and we walked someplace downtown near the hotel, had dinner, and she invited me to her room. We talked for a while, I had to sit on her bed as there was no where else to sit. I remember getting nervous at one point and I so wanted to hit on her but knew it would not be a good idea. I made my goodbye and probably only met up with her and her other half one other time after that. And then I did not see them until I visited Marv and Richard this past April at a housewarming party he had. And of course, they were so warm; I even stayed with them - Marv and Richard having zero room at their house.
Wow.
What a weekend - and I was sick. Still am, Monday night, with the worse sore throat of my life. I do believe it hurts more than when I had my tonsils removed.
I talked to Anita again on Friday - after I taught all day. I actually took a chicken way out and texted a message. She called me and after a moment invited me to a gig she had going Saturday; she didn't invite me to stay with her, but encouraged me to come and stay with my other friends. I agreed to attend. Why did I want to torture myself? I know that she was taken by Texas and she will explore that - I see her falling in love and moving. Why? I don't know, but I like her company and believe it is more value. She said that she met a great friend and said it was me. I get to find out if that was something she just said for my benefit or if it was true. I'm thinking true. I would be disappointed with nothing buy the honest truth from her.
So this Saturday - what did I learn? I learned that I am definately a catch and learned that 2 women have desired me (perhaps not now). Anita said she doesn't understand how she can meet two "potentials" at almost the same time and she only chooses Texas over me because of her past with her. Wow. Am I being strung along? Well, if I am, it is nice and makes me feel secure. I tell Marvin why I am attracted to Anita and during our conversation I tell him that next time I come to Sac that I will provide more warning so I can catch up with the DeAnns. Then I let slip that I have always had a crush on his sister. I ask him to please keep it to himself; we giggle alittle about it and then he tells me something I never would have expected: that his sister told him once that if she were single that I would be the one... of course that implies that she would have sought me out. 2 in one weekend. I'm amazed and extremely flattered.
I did not tell Marvin that my crush on his sister was why I had fallen out of touch with her over the years. I even remember when that feeling was extremely intense once when she came to SF for business and asked me to meet for dinner. She invited Lori and I, but, of course, Lori had become isolated and seemed not to go anywhere with me. That was so many years ago ... I'd have to guess it was probably 1997. I met DeAnn at her hotel and we walked someplace downtown near the hotel, had dinner, and she invited me to her room. We talked for a while, I had to sit on her bed as there was no where else to sit. I remember getting nervous at one point and I so wanted to hit on her but knew it would not be a good idea. I made my goodbye and probably only met up with her and her other half one other time after that. And then I did not see them until I visited Marv and Richard this past April at a housewarming party he had. And of course, they were so warm; I even stayed with them - Marv and Richard having zero room at their house.
Wow.
What a weekend - and I was sick. Still am, Monday night, with the worse sore throat of my life. I do believe it hurts more than when I had my tonsils removed.
Monday, July 21, 2003
I have lost my faith. Not that faith; I mean the faith in what I do for a living. I have always said I don't just have a job, it is more like a calling. It is definitely a ministry. No one - ok, no dedicated person - works in law enforcement as a job. Jobs are what you do to give you money to keep doing the other things in life. Law enforcement was something I once claimed I would do for free. That is how most everyone I've known in my field feels about it.
I lost my faith. I am not certain when exactly it started to happen. I know for certain it isn't the most important ministry that suffers; I still make a difference each day in the life of citizen's I assist. But the loss of faith in the organization saddens me. As my friend Ellen says, the relationship with the organization is like a loveless marriage, we stay together for the sake of the children. I think of the arrogance and apathy deep within the organization's management and I am certain that is a key to the loss of faith. This loss isn't only mine; I believe many of us share it.
The arrogance: we assume we are the best because we keep telling ourselves that. We adopt a position that all other organizations cannot and do not measure up to our standards - and true as that may be, borne out by the character flaws that other organizations exhibit - that should not give rise to arrogance. Pride in ourselves, yes we should be proud, but arrogance leading to ignorance? That is what is happening.
The apathy: too many people promoted without a chance to stay close the their roots they have planted for years. Forced to separate from home and loved ones breaks down the essential support we all need to succeed. The arrogance of the organization to disregard this movement adds to the apathy of those moved. The newly minted managers don't care about the commands they are given because they won't be staying long enough to see any changes they might make come to fruition. Some of these new managers haven't a clue how to lead and because they won't be staying, they don't care.
The arrogance of the organization is carried on within some new managers to the point that, combined with an apathy they have, is a poison that does true harm to the local organization. Then, it is carried further afield as the managers continue to promote, move, and become arrogant from the validation they receive by promotions. I could go on, but why?
I feel the apathy.
I lost my faith. I am not certain when exactly it started to happen. I know for certain it isn't the most important ministry that suffers; I still make a difference each day in the life of citizen's I assist. But the loss of faith in the organization saddens me. As my friend Ellen says, the relationship with the organization is like a loveless marriage, we stay together for the sake of the children. I think of the arrogance and apathy deep within the organization's management and I am certain that is a key to the loss of faith. This loss isn't only mine; I believe many of us share it.
The arrogance: we assume we are the best because we keep telling ourselves that. We adopt a position that all other organizations cannot and do not measure up to our standards - and true as that may be, borne out by the character flaws that other organizations exhibit - that should not give rise to arrogance. Pride in ourselves, yes we should be proud, but arrogance leading to ignorance? That is what is happening.
The apathy: too many people promoted without a chance to stay close the their roots they have planted for years. Forced to separate from home and loved ones breaks down the essential support we all need to succeed. The arrogance of the organization to disregard this movement adds to the apathy of those moved. The newly minted managers don't care about the commands they are given because they won't be staying long enough to see any changes they might make come to fruition. Some of these new managers haven't a clue how to lead and because they won't be staying, they don't care.
The arrogance of the organization is carried on within some new managers to the point that, combined with an apathy they have, is a poison that does true harm to the local organization. Then, it is carried further afield as the managers continue to promote, move, and become arrogant from the validation they receive by promotions. I could go on, but why?
I feel the apathy.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
From January-
REM -
"Losing my Religion"
Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Trying to connect with someone who is distant - unavailable
That's me in the corner
Isolation
That's me in the spotlight
Ambition
Losing my religion
Losing my faith in so many things
Trying to keep up with you
Trying to deal with my ambition and work, career, try to advance
And I don't think I can do it.
Oh no, I've said too much,
I haven't said enough.
I thought I heard you laughing
I though I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Do I think my unavailable partners have tried?
Do I give them a break and recognize there was some good times?
Those consessions take away my anger.
Every whisper
of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
consessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
not listening to my inner self, knowing things weren't right
Consider this
The slip that brought me
to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
come flailing around
I'll be just fine, I've been laid low, but I am glad for the new chance
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
As if I just woke. I thaw and stumble out into the world.
REM -
"Losing my Religion"
Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Trying to connect with someone who is distant - unavailable
That's me in the corner
Isolation
That's me in the spotlight
Ambition
Losing my religion
Losing my faith in so many things
Trying to keep up with you
Trying to deal with my ambition and work, career, try to advance
And I don't think I can do it.
Oh no, I've said too much,
I haven't said enough.
I thought I heard you laughing
I though I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Do I think my unavailable partners have tried?
Do I give them a break and recognize there was some good times?
Those consessions take away my anger.
Every whisper
of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
consessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
not listening to my inner self, knowing things weren't right
Consider this
The slip that brought me
to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
come flailing around
I'll be just fine, I've been laid low, but I am glad for the new chance
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
As if I just woke. I thaw and stumble out into the world.
Friday, February 28, 2003
Friday, February 21, 2003
I decided to continue with some therapy I received free (for 7 visits) for a time. Reason: I keep picking or getting picked by people who are either emotionally unavailable - or, as I recently thought about, need someone to save them. When I think about it, Lori said she was looking for that 'rock,' now why would someone do that? They just want to be taken care of, want to be saved, and there is someone like me - so, I'll bet I need to be in that role - I have been unable to save others so I repeat the whole thing over again by picking people who need saved because... maybe this time; you know what they call that? Insanity. Really, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again with the same results while expecting a different result - insanity.
Now it will get un-fun - because I know who I could not save. I want to be the good guy, hence my profession. Hence my attempts to be perfect and great fear of not knowing how to do something, or having all the answers. I gotta stop this crap. so there.
Now it will get un-fun - because I know who I could not save. I want to be the good guy, hence my profession. Hence my attempts to be perfect and great fear of not knowing how to do something, or having all the answers. I gotta stop this crap. so there.
Thursday, January 23, 2003
I began reading a book Colleen gave me "A year in Provence" - about a couple who buy an old French home, on some land, to live on. Imagine doing that? I can. It's a total change - to live differently. The land comes with a vineyard that has been farmed by the neighbors for generations and the new owners understand and keep the traditional arrangement going. To understand the impact they have on their new community and to make the effort to belong, instead of treating their new home as their own private Idaho as many do in a new place. Yes, I can imagine that. I am wanting to live differently.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
I went to the No War in Iraq march yesterday (in San Francisco). My favorite sign was obviously from a Raider fan as it said: RAIDER NATION no RAID OTHER NATIONS
One woman I was with was a friend of Mary's and she had made her own sandwich board. One side had a prayer for George W. Bush. I was glad to see something so positive. She asked god for President Bush to lead us to peace. She asked god for President Bush to find a way to break our dependance on oil. She asked god for President Bush to move on from trying to get even for the threat on his daddy's life (ex-pres Bush was targeted some years back after he left office). Lastly she asked god that President Bush not have to send his daughters to war.
One woman I was with was a friend of Mary's and she had made her own sandwich board. One side had a prayer for George W. Bush. I was glad to see something so positive. She asked god for President Bush to lead us to peace. She asked god for President Bush to find a way to break our dependance on oil. She asked god for President Bush to move on from trying to get even for the threat on his daddy's life (ex-pres Bush was targeted some years back after he left office). Lastly she asked god that President Bush not have to send his daughters to war.
So, I combed through the phone bills to figure out some tax stuff (for work, since I have to have a phone, I deduct the basic cost of having a phone).
I see numerous calls to the girlfriend. Shoulda known. I could see she wasted no time in telling her she dumped me, as there are calls immediately after I left for work the night she dropped her bomb on me (Dec. 7, 2002).
Nice going. What the hell of it is, I've paid for the calls from home. Again, nice touch. I am beginning to want to get even some how.
I see numerous calls to the girlfriend. Shoulda known. I could see she wasted no time in telling her she dumped me, as there are calls immediately after I left for work the night she dropped her bomb on me (Dec. 7, 2002).
Nice going. What the hell of it is, I've paid for the calls from home. Again, nice touch. I am beginning to want to get even some how.
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