How did I get here? I mean driving home from teaching. The constant things keep happening; I get up, answer email, get ready for work, work, pay bills, balance the checkbook, and buy groceries. The big event, the end of my 12 year relationship/partnership, which upset my apple cart, is still there, but the “constants” don’t change. The “constants” are unaffected by that event. My life goes on as I try to find a way to navigate what is both heartbreaking and maddening.

After all this time of being in a deepening hell, why did my partner pick NOW for the time to split? Why now? After building an extra room, to use as an office, and an extra bathroom for her employees, why now? After incurring extra debt on the house, why now? I just don’t get it.

I’m not angry anymore. I’m feeling this was a major inconvenience, but I understand how she feels. I think, to be honest, I am glad this relationship ended. I have to admit that I was not all that happy with the prospect with spending the rest of my days with her.

Did I not mention it to her because it is better to have someone than to not have someone? I believe I used to think that way, because I used to assign a value to myself based on the fact I felt I was of no value unless another valued me. That was the old me. I probably still have some lingering doubts about my self-worth, but, overall, I am over that. Huh. How about that.

seriously - can I buy her out?

OLD POSTS
[4/14/2001 12:12:08 AM | Old Dawg]
Don't apologize to unsafe Chinese and their crazy pilots.

[edit]
[4/13/2001 11:27:14 PM | Old Dawg]
Apology accepted::
Our legal system, here in America, prevents true atonement and keeps us from healing. The path to reconciliation is through being able to say you are responsible and sorry for a wrong - yet in a civil court this amounts to admitting guilt. It's crazy. Our submarine bashes a fishing boat and the sailors can't say they are sorry and take responsibility because lawyers advise them not to. It just isn't right. [I think the Chinese pilot Wang Wei was a topgun guy who got too close, let's see if the Chinese will admit wrong]

[edit]

Further saga. I'm not even that mad anymore.. She done me wrong, but being ticked doesn't do anything.
Lori isn't moving into her sister's it's only one room (blah blah blah).. no, she found a house in Albany instead, $1800 in rent. I figure NO WAY is she living there alone. She can no way afford the rent.
Time to see if I can buy her out of this place. I will never be able to afford to buy in the Bay Area if we have to sell. That means I'll make way too much to rent (for tax purposes) all because she just can't "do this" anymore.
Time to separate the finances before she starts the drain. I can only hope she is honest - but, based on the recent past, that is probably not true.