How dare my mom claim that she wasn’t allowed to grieve for our father, whom she was divorced from, when he died in 1988. Its 2006, what 18 years have gone by and she carries resentment for … wait until you get this … me! Yes, she blames me! How do you figure? Here is the crooked logic; I was cold to her at my dad’s funeral. Let’s see, I had stopped being clingy to my mom years before, as I grew up and as a teenager just could not take care of being the mom of the family. She had checked out of being responsible and I took over when I was young, hey, someone had to do it and I didn’t know it wasn’t my job.

It was hard to hear her talk about the abusive man my dad was to her. Yes, I did witness family violence, or shall I say, the aftermath. Dad rarely got into it with her in front of us kids. He also never spoke badly about her, even when I lived with him. I didn’t ask, but he didn’t volunteer… not like our mom, boy did she blurt out whatever she felt had on her mind. She was abusive verbally to us kids, very much so. I understand she was frustrated. I can accept that, but it did not help my feelings about myself and my abiding insecurities.

Oh, back to the cold at the funeral thing. I remember thinking I did not want to comfort my mom. I guess because I never have understood how she could speak in such a hateful way about dad over many years – as if I was a confidant, or therapist who should hear these things. To think she was feeling grief for herself was foreign to me and I if I wanted comfort, I certainly did not expect to gain it from her. Instead, I remember thinking this and still do, I would find no comforting but instead would have to give it, as I have given so much all of my life with mom.

I once got hurt at work, had to go to the hospital after a high speed, high impact traffic collision in which I was rear-ended. The one thing I did not want was mom to know about it. I did not want her taking a trip to my house and ‘take care of me’ because I believe it would be me taking care of her. I was in barely in condition to take care of myself, let alone anyone else, emotionally or any other way.

So how does she figure I didn’t let her grieve when our dad died? She gives too much power over herself to others. That is the operative issue here, she gives power away in order to be powerless, thereby blaming others for … everything that goes wrong.