I have good days and bad days.
This is a bad day.
So was most of yesterday.
I have great friends, though. One couple invited me to share their XMAS eve tradition (5pm Mass and Lobster after with very good champagne - I like that tradition!). Another couple had me over for Xmas. Another fine home cooked meal with people who love each other and me.

The bad part? I keep moving through Lori's leaving. All these YEARS of having sex problems, and my being sensitive about it, never arguing, pushing, or making demands. All this and she has gone out and had no problem starting an affair with someone else, and continuing the sexual liason. What the heck was I so nice about? Oh, yeah, I believed in our relationship. Silly me. Can you see how that really makes me TICKED OFF!!!

It is like I'm used. I HATE that!

Lori picked me because I am emotionally and financially strong and stable.
Did she come to this realization after her shrink-rap last week?
Am I emotionally strong and stable? I think I just put on a good show.

How much was true and how much was not?
Was it really ok to pick out the paint for the interior? I remember the give and take that went into the outside colors, yet inside, no input.
Her problem. If she chose to lie about what was ok or not, it is her problem. It becomes my problem only when I'm led to believe that I have "good taste" in design choices.

Been thinking about how I have pick the people to be with - last 2 were extremely unstable financially. Could it be it made them dependent on me, therefore resentful? I think that is so, except, what about that Lori pursued me? I had no intention of being someone's partner when she met and wooed me. huh. Perhaps we both were looking for something. Too bad it did not work.
But thinking on this more - I keep asking myself, 'i want someone who will take care of me'. That doesn't mean I don't care back, just more of some 'taking' on my part, not always 'giving.' My turn.