Years and years of Lori not being independent I guess is just too much. I understand, but..... it still isn't fair. Do I, should I, feel used? No. I knew she did not have the greatest job and relied on me. I was comfortable with that. She apparently wasn't and isn't. She says she has lost herself. I guess this is one of those truly "It isn't you, it's me" break-ups.

She is moving at the end of the month. She is going to run her business out of the office - but this can't last forever because I don't want to stay in SF forever. I love the city, but I also want something else. I have to remember to take my time reconstructing myself. I am not that person, though. This is going to be difficult.

Where do I start?

More on "This is just great." Coming home after work, I feel like I don't want to separate from my partner. Can we repair our damage? When I wake up, I am pissed all over again.
What the hell do we do now?

I got my pride, living like roomates is probably out. Sell the house? Ya know, picking up my life and starting over is do-able. I got a job, a good one, and hardly any debt. I don't have a home business to move (but she does). No wonder it is scary for her, but, HEY, she did this.

This is just great. My partner of over 12 years, Lori, just hits me up side of the head with "I've been lying and cheating." Oh, and, "I just couldn't not tell you." I'm glad she feels better now, I don't - and I'm even more glad I said that to her.
What is sad is, I only feel pissed off. I am glad I don't feel all sad and crying like it is the end of the world. It is, but I'm more angry about it than sad.
I know I'm the type of person who wants immediate resolution to this new development. I want to re-write my future and I want to start now. I also keep thinking, "now's my chance," as if I want to start over - again. What about all the money and debt we just incurred rebuilding the house? What about - everything? The planned vacation to France with - oh yeah, my friends and my family (sister).
One of the things she is so lost about is how she is so not into socializing with my friends. If we do anything social at all it is because I arrange it. Has she ever done anything to include me with her circle of friends, co-workers? Hardly ever, except the time she had her affair buddy over; dinner, cards. I kept feeling very uncomfortable around her pal, I knew it then, but I respected Lori's integrity to not pin her down over it.

I can think of all sorts of stuff to be pissed about.

So here goes, to Lori:

Friends - you don't keep in touch with the ones you had. You made new ones, haven't set up anything to include me, so just face it, you don't want me around. You feel like you are in the background when you are near my friends. You're lack of value for yourself has pushed you away.

Deferring to me - so you feel obligated to go along with everything I want because you rely on me for money. Terrific. You probably felt like I would pull the plug on it all, move on with my life. I guess you don't understand what our committment meant. I was dedicated, you were afraid of losing my income. The last time, probably one of the only times you actually let me know you felt strongly about wanting to do something (the front yard), you brought up that I always get my way and you never try to block me; hey, like I said then, every issue stands on its own. Don't you remember that we agreed to reach a compromise? You would actually try to see if you could replace the street tree with the one thing I felt strongly about (stupid cherry tree). You won't call the city, though. You don't want to hear "no" for an answer and assume that is the answer, so you won't try. But, we did agree to see if we could pot the thing, and maybe build a windbreak for it in the backyard.

What do we do now? "We" will never be the same.