Lori comes to day to pick up the TV and vcr, the 'dining' room table and chairs. The TV was hers, the vcr I'd like to replace with a combo DVD player/VCR, and the table and chairs she picked out and they were cheap (and looked cheap). I'd like just to put her stuff in a box on the sidewalk and leave it there for her to pick up. Just a hitch in the whole thing, just when I'm trying to make sure my credit history looks good, I need to buy replacement stuff. Ok, I want to buy replacement stuff. I should have practiced some self-discipline and not get a new TV - but I did anyway. It is too big to carry upstairs by myself and I guess I'll have to ask Lori for help with that. I think I don't like that idea because I don't want to share anything about myself with her anymore.... or maybe it is good to show I am moving on... as if her moving out is a chance for me to move up... or a chance for me to show her she is only a speed bump on my road.
Well, that made me feel good for a moment. Lori was much more than a speed bump and I did enjoy many years that we had good times. I just wish I had been a big jerk about the no sex thing. Sure were alot of good years that went by.
Saturday, January 04, 2003
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
My past year - 2002
Many months - many big changes - much stress
It is Dec. 29, 2002, and this is my year.
The new year 2002 took me to Redwood City, to live, while the house was being semi-demolished in order to rebuild our only bathroom, add one downstairs, and add a big office space to the garage area. It was difficult being away. I only saw Lori 3 to 5 times during those 4 months, and we actually spent the night together 3 times.
We got into more debt than we bargained for. Thinking we had more money, I purchased major things (bedroom furniture, living room couch and chair, and office furniture) then found out I was a bit tapped out. Lori didn't care. I thought it was because she trusted my judgement - I don't know what to think now.
I transferred from Redwood City after 6 years to Marin. Working in crisis mode day to day became too much for me in Redwood City. Less crisis in Marin, but different management. Grass is only different on the other side of the fence, there are trade-offs.
The day I reported to Marin, I had to make a decision to put down my dog, Liza. It was time, she was so ill and deteriorating. She was really suffering the last night so I took her to the vet and sat with her. It was sad. Lori was at least in on the decision.
We did not do our houseboat trip this year. Too much going on for too many participants. It had become like pulling teeth to get Lori to go sometimes because she never wanted to miss school. I am thinking especially this year, she did not want to miss out on the company of her new lover.
I planned a driving trip with my sis, a golf trip and driving around the southwest to all the georgeous sites in south Utah. Lori doesn't golf and she did not want to miss school (oh sure, like I believe that now) so I went alone - almost. I picked up my good friend Dee and she traveled and golfed with us.
Well, I accepted Lori's reasoning - she was in school and not wanting to miss any of it. But I should have pinned her down over the summer - I was sensing something - she was spending a LOT of time - making time - in the East Bay - always with the excuse that her business was growing and she was doing a lot of jobs; always with one of her classmates.
It was so weird, but I should have trusted myself when I met this classmate I knew - I could feel it - I wish I had been more direct in asking Lori about how everything was going. I wish I had asked her about her classmate - or I wish I had just told her what I was sensing. But NO, I was trying to be secure, or rather, I was trying to not be insecure. Now my security is totally shaken. I am so ticked off about so many things. I am ticked off at Lori and myself.
Why did I even get involved with Lori in the first place? She was seductive - she pursued me - I guess I'm mad at myself for being so flattered by that.
1990 - Lori and I had a rendevous in May; her being in SF and me in SoCal put a lot of distance between us. She got me to see her, asking if she could visit me in SoCal. I had been single for the most of 2 years and I was comfortable with myself, not valuing myself based on how attractive I was to someone else. I figured what the heck, and I did not expect anything further than a weekender. She visited, she left, and sent me cards and called. I was flattered. She persuaded me to meet her half way, I did, and when it came time for me to travel to Sac to play softball, I persuaded myself to stay with her in SF. I don't know if it was that visit, or another one after, but June 23 or 26, 1990, we had dinner at the Patio and she asked me if I was in love (or falling, I can't remember exactly). I was so uncomfortable. How does one answer that? I hemmed and hawed - I talked about how difficult it was to give an anwser to that question. Lori said she understood how scary it is to say yes and the risk of rejection. I was thinking how to not commit to that, I wasn't falling in love, I was liking what we were doing, but in love? Not yet. I pretty much just talked about the rejection issue and I figure it was what we both wanted to hear. I should not have sold out. It was wrong for me, and it was wrong for her.
I was selling out, trading with her. She wanted me, for something, Lori was looking for a rock (her words), financially and emotionally stable (ha). I was willing to trade that for a partner. I am mad at myself because I sold out. I wasn't in love, but in love with the idea of having a partner. I also think that I was glad I wasn't in love because I was thinking that if it doesn't work, I would not have the emotional tumble I had suffered in the past.
I remember thinking, in August 1990, we were at my house in Rialto and she was talking about moving. She said she wanted us to start to live together. I had to make a decision. I remember thinking "I'm not going to transfer" and "I don't lover her like I should." It should have been a no-brainer, live together. It wasn't. I did not love her like I felt I should love someone. I should have been honest then. But I wasn't.
Instead, she left her job and came to live with me until I could move. When we landed back in SF she could not work. At first it was her old job was gone and her boss could not afford to hire her back. She said it was opportunity to start her own business, but she could not seem to get it going. I think she was depressed. She was lost and I left her alone. She had quit smoking but started again. Everytime she started smoking again, I knew something was bothering her. I'd ask and she'd say everything was fine - I remember being so insecure whenever she would try to assure me - because it was not true, something was bugging her. I had to stop being insecure so I started to behave based on belief in her words. Over all the years this would occasionally come up, she would have some sort of aura about her that would make me think she was unhappy - but she would always say all was ok. I think that many years it was OK, until this last year.
I'm mad because I put a lot of effort and went broke re-building the house in order to give her an office - I supported all of her efforts to become her own boss.
I am mad because I put a lot into this relationship because I believed in US. But I am also mad and feeling guilty because I've gotten used to having no prospect of a sexual relationship over the years and I resented it. That issue often pre-occupied me - it angered me. Probably 8 years of hardly any contact. And I can't even tolerate how angry I am that Lori stepped out while still in our relationship.
Mostly I think I am mad and sad to know that I merely repeated a pattern from before - I picked an emotionally unavailable person. AGAIN.
I want someone who will care for me as much as I do for her. When I would have a tight neck and ask Lori to massage my neck and help loosen my tense muscle, she would say that she doesn't like to do that and not once readily did so. It would not occur to me not to nuture, comfort, or help a partner - - yet she did not give my need a thought other than how she would be affected.
Unavailable. I remember thinking how saddened I was whenever I would ask her for a small favor. Hell, even picking me up at the airport, or taking me someplace to get the car serviced, was an issue. I remember thinking I would not have someone to share my old age with who cared about me - or was willing to help me.
I'm mad because I didn't breakup with her myself. Instead I built a life with her - one I thought we both shared and could share. I settled for. I repeated a pattern and this time I wasn't in love and I thought that there was no repeated pattern.
So how do I not do this again? I think I have to be brave enough to deal with rejection in order not to settle for. I have to develop to the point where I can handle disagreement without feeling it is the end of the world. Lori stopped or avoided disagreement because it would be - or she was convinced it would be - the end of the world. I had all the financial power and she must have felt obliged. She would not "fight" because she just wanted everything to be smooth. I did not think I was holding any of that money power over her; I shared it without a word, and honestly, without a thought, because I believed in US.
But still. I don't know how she felt because when I asked she would tell me all was well. I bet it got increasingly worse for her and she may have felt less and less in power (or more and more powerless). I don't know - I'm sure that on some level I may have become less kind because I resented her sexual withholding. I know I was angry about it at least under the surface; because I was resigning myself to a future of no sex. I could accept that situation easier if I was single, but I wasn't single. It was so totally unfair - unfair to me because I had enough honor and integrity to not step outside of our relationship. I am mad because I honored and cherished her and our relationship.
Many months - many big changes - much stress
It is Dec. 29, 2002, and this is my year.
The new year 2002 took me to Redwood City, to live, while the house was being semi-demolished in order to rebuild our only bathroom, add one downstairs, and add a big office space to the garage area. It was difficult being away. I only saw Lori 3 to 5 times during those 4 months, and we actually spent the night together 3 times.
We got into more debt than we bargained for. Thinking we had more money, I purchased major things (bedroom furniture, living room couch and chair, and office furniture) then found out I was a bit tapped out. Lori didn't care. I thought it was because she trusted my judgement - I don't know what to think now.
I transferred from Redwood City after 6 years to Marin. Working in crisis mode day to day became too much for me in Redwood City. Less crisis in Marin, but different management. Grass is only different on the other side of the fence, there are trade-offs.
The day I reported to Marin, I had to make a decision to put down my dog, Liza. It was time, she was so ill and deteriorating. She was really suffering the last night so I took her to the vet and sat with her. It was sad. Lori was at least in on the decision.
We did not do our houseboat trip this year. Too much going on for too many participants. It had become like pulling teeth to get Lori to go sometimes because she never wanted to miss school. I am thinking especially this year, she did not want to miss out on the company of her new lover.
I planned a driving trip with my sis, a golf trip and driving around the southwest to all the georgeous sites in south Utah. Lori doesn't golf and she did not want to miss school (oh sure, like I believe that now) so I went alone - almost. I picked up my good friend Dee and she traveled and golfed with us.
Well, I accepted Lori's reasoning - she was in school and not wanting to miss any of it. But I should have pinned her down over the summer - I was sensing something - she was spending a LOT of time - making time - in the East Bay - always with the excuse that her business was growing and she was doing a lot of jobs; always with one of her classmates.
It was so weird, but I should have trusted myself when I met this classmate I knew - I could feel it - I wish I had been more direct in asking Lori about how everything was going. I wish I had asked her about her classmate - or I wish I had just told her what I was sensing. But NO, I was trying to be secure, or rather, I was trying to not be insecure. Now my security is totally shaken. I am so ticked off about so many things. I am ticked off at Lori and myself.
Why did I even get involved with Lori in the first place? She was seductive - she pursued me - I guess I'm mad at myself for being so flattered by that.
1990 - Lori and I had a rendevous in May; her being in SF and me in SoCal put a lot of distance between us. She got me to see her, asking if she could visit me in SoCal. I had been single for the most of 2 years and I was comfortable with myself, not valuing myself based on how attractive I was to someone else. I figured what the heck, and I did not expect anything further than a weekender. She visited, she left, and sent me cards and called. I was flattered. She persuaded me to meet her half way, I did, and when it came time for me to travel to Sac to play softball, I persuaded myself to stay with her in SF. I don't know if it was that visit, or another one after, but June 23 or 26, 1990, we had dinner at the Patio and she asked me if I was in love (or falling, I can't remember exactly). I was so uncomfortable. How does one answer that? I hemmed and hawed - I talked about how difficult it was to give an anwser to that question. Lori said she understood how scary it is to say yes and the risk of rejection. I was thinking how to not commit to that, I wasn't falling in love, I was liking what we were doing, but in love? Not yet. I pretty much just talked about the rejection issue and I figure it was what we both wanted to hear. I should not have sold out. It was wrong for me, and it was wrong for her.
I was selling out, trading with her. She wanted me, for something, Lori was looking for a rock (her words), financially and emotionally stable (ha). I was willing to trade that for a partner. I am mad at myself because I sold out. I wasn't in love, but in love with the idea of having a partner. I also think that I was glad I wasn't in love because I was thinking that if it doesn't work, I would not have the emotional tumble I had suffered in the past.
I remember thinking, in August 1990, we were at my house in Rialto and she was talking about moving. She said she wanted us to start to live together. I had to make a decision. I remember thinking "I'm not going to transfer" and "I don't lover her like I should." It should have been a no-brainer, live together. It wasn't. I did not love her like I felt I should love someone. I should have been honest then. But I wasn't.
Instead, she left her job and came to live with me until I could move. When we landed back in SF she could not work. At first it was her old job was gone and her boss could not afford to hire her back. She said it was opportunity to start her own business, but she could not seem to get it going. I think she was depressed. She was lost and I left her alone. She had quit smoking but started again. Everytime she started smoking again, I knew something was bothering her. I'd ask and she'd say everything was fine - I remember being so insecure whenever she would try to assure me - because it was not true, something was bugging her. I had to stop being insecure so I started to behave based on belief in her words. Over all the years this would occasionally come up, she would have some sort of aura about her that would make me think she was unhappy - but she would always say all was ok. I think that many years it was OK, until this last year.
I'm mad because I put a lot of effort and went broke re-building the house in order to give her an office - I supported all of her efforts to become her own boss.
I am mad because I put a lot into this relationship because I believed in US. But I am also mad and feeling guilty because I've gotten used to having no prospect of a sexual relationship over the years and I resented it. That issue often pre-occupied me - it angered me. Probably 8 years of hardly any contact. And I can't even tolerate how angry I am that Lori stepped out while still in our relationship.
Mostly I think I am mad and sad to know that I merely repeated a pattern from before - I picked an emotionally unavailable person. AGAIN.
I want someone who will care for me as much as I do for her. When I would have a tight neck and ask Lori to massage my neck and help loosen my tense muscle, she would say that she doesn't like to do that and not once readily did so. It would not occur to me not to nuture, comfort, or help a partner - - yet she did not give my need a thought other than how she would be affected.
Unavailable. I remember thinking how saddened I was whenever I would ask her for a small favor. Hell, even picking me up at the airport, or taking me someplace to get the car serviced, was an issue. I remember thinking I would not have someone to share my old age with who cared about me - or was willing to help me.
I'm mad because I didn't breakup with her myself. Instead I built a life with her - one I thought we both shared and could share. I settled for. I repeated a pattern and this time I wasn't in love and I thought that there was no repeated pattern.
So how do I not do this again? I think I have to be brave enough to deal with rejection in order not to settle for. I have to develop to the point where I can handle disagreement without feeling it is the end of the world. Lori stopped or avoided disagreement because it would be - or she was convinced it would be - the end of the world. I had all the financial power and she must have felt obliged. She would not "fight" because she just wanted everything to be smooth. I did not think I was holding any of that money power over her; I shared it without a word, and honestly, without a thought, because I believed in US.
But still. I don't know how she felt because when I asked she would tell me all was well. I bet it got increasingly worse for her and she may have felt less and less in power (or more and more powerless). I don't know - I'm sure that on some level I may have become less kind because I resented her sexual withholding. I know I was angry about it at least under the surface; because I was resigning myself to a future of no sex. I could accept that situation easier if I was single, but I wasn't single. It was so totally unfair - unfair to me because I had enough honor and integrity to not step outside of our relationship. I am mad because I honored and cherished her and our relationship.
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