How did I get here? I mean driving home from teaching. The constant things keep happening; I get up, answer email, get ready for work, work, pay bills, balance the checkbook, and buy groceries. The big event, the end of my 12 year relationship/partnership, which upset my apple cart, is still there, but the “constants” don’t change. The “constants” are unaffected by that event. My life goes on as I try to find a way to navigate what is both heartbreaking and maddening.

After all this time of being in a deepening hell, why did my partner pick NOW for the time to split? Why now? After building an extra room, to use as an office, and an extra bathroom for her employees, why now? After incurring extra debt on the house, why now? I just don’t get it.

I’m not angry anymore. I’m feeling this was a major inconvenience, but I understand how she feels. I think, to be honest, I am glad this relationship ended. I have to admit that I was not all that happy with the prospect with spending the rest of my days with her.

Did I not mention it to her because it is better to have someone than to not have someone? I believe I used to think that way, because I used to assign a value to myself based on the fact I felt I was of no value unless another valued me. That was the old me. I probably still have some lingering doubts about my self-worth, but, overall, I am over that. Huh. How about that.