MSNBC - Try a Slice of Humble Pie

Hope this link goes ot newsweek and the article "Try a Slice of Humble Pie" It is what is wrong with the current leadership in the White House - All Yes Men.

peace out.

THE PLAYERS - The Cast Of Characters
Well, the world keeps turning. That phrase belies the fact that most of us relate to it as if it wasn't round. Think of it, what are some of the common phrases? Waiting for what lies "around the corner." or let's see what is "around the bend." We think of the world, our existence, as a continuum. It isn't, no matter what we think. There is no "road" we are on, that begins there and ends somewhere over the horizon. Do you hear me? Know what I mean? Can you see it? How hard is it, though, to put ourselves someplace other than having a beginning and an end?

Don't we speak of our adventures as having a start and and end place? I think that my life is many adventures, many of these playing out at the same time. Short adventures entwined with a longer adventure that is within an even longer adventure. For instance, the short adventures of my day to day work is within my career, and within that has been shorter adventures. The day to day, the adventure of working a certain position for the past 8 years which is within the entire time line of my overall work adventure. How strange to think of work as an adventure. Maybe that tells you something of how I think of my work - that I have enjoyed it, for the most part. I am glad to have been doing it as opposed to tracking and shipping large underground storage tanks (previous job) or purchasing steel from Germany and Japan (previous job). For a long time, I worked to live, for a longer time, I lived to work because I liked it immensely. Now, I just want to get through it, move on to a new position to jump start my passion - and enjoy working to live.

Ultimately, I look forward to ending my working adventure and continue with my life's adventure, of course with smaller adventures interjected. Like travel. Perhaps even a new passion to follow, make some money at it, write about it - or write. Can I become a journalist this late in life? Hm....

It Will All Be Over Soon / BushCo? Kerry? SUV gluttony? Your last orgasm? All flashes in the geological pan, baby. Don't forget

just thanking my pal colleen for turning me onto Morford's columns (SF Gate). wow.

SF Gate: News and Information for the San Francisco Bay Area

Yes it worked! ahahahahhaha I just tap the thingy 'blog this' and i get to post . easier than logging on, i just might use this more often.

Hm trying new thing. Always try new stuff, but it isn't always gonna work like one would expect.

It is the end of my vacation. I had a good run. Spent time with Naomi and my sis (probably the best time is with my sis).

I have a laptop computer and take baby steps into the new tech world. I have convinced myself that I will need this cool tool because I fully expect to get a new position with the CHP. If so, there will be some travel and a need for a laptop.

Or shall I just start to learn to write? Write something profound? Or not. Haven't I got any story to tell?
Google Store

Well, how about that California's governor?  He turned all Hollywood using catch phrases to stir up the masses.  It goes against his very own promise, ala GW Bush, to be a uniter.  "Girlie-men" and "terminate" are terms to stir up the masses, and that is all these terms are meant to do.  I don't know what is more shameful, that Mr. Schwarzenegger is nothing beyond an action hero actor playing at governing, or that the public he speaks to, and who elected him, are lightweight enough to go along with him.

I am not taking anything away from his good intentions; that Mr. Schwarzenagger wants to do a good job.  He just doesn't no how to be effective beyond stirring the masses with his dopey Hollywood-speak. 

No matter how "funny" one might think it is, the danger with belittling people you don't agree with is it allows for de-humanizing thought of people who are not "us."  Instead of true discussion, debate, a chance to compromise and make things actually better, the group you don't agree with is marginalized.  And folks who are placed on the margin stop talking to you - and NOTHING gets done.

Mr. Schwarzenegger, you reduced your credibility.  You reduced the ability to have cooperative government because you resorted to stupid name-calling.  The excuse your public affairs people say, that you get excited and carried away, does not give you license to carry-on like a spoiled actor, getting to act outrageously.  These incidents show that you are not interested in making the state government work better, you are interested in getting "your side" a win at the cost of mature statesmanship. 

I hate to say this to all of my friends who voted for Mr. Schwarzenegger, but "I told you so." 
Oh, and one last thing - about putting a ballot before the people.  Mr. Schwarzenegger didn't think of it in time for the November elections, so he is proposing a special election just to get a ballot to make the legislature part-time.  YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE MONEY?  This is ridiculous!  The only thing that will come of this is a stronger governor - oh, so that is your agenda?

Gimme a break, can't the rest of you see what is wrong with this picture? 
 

Golly wally - what a week I had. Yes, heard from Anita, and she told me her meeting was more than she expected. I asked if it was what she hoped and she said it was more. I hear this at some ungodly early morning hour, but I had been home for 1 hr and was asleep. Needless to say, I did not fall back to sleep easily. It was Wednesday and I was sad. Strange, I was more sad about this - what wasn't - than I was at Lori's betrayal and her leaving me. Maybe I'm kidding myself. No, my stomach did not feel better...

I talked to Anita again on Friday - after I taught all day. I actually took a chicken way out and texted a message. She called me and after a moment invited me to a gig she had going Saturday; she didn't invite me to stay with her, but encouraged me to come and stay with my other friends. I agreed to attend. Why did I want to torture myself? I know that she was taken by Texas and she will explore that - I see her falling in love and moving. Why? I don't know, but I like her company and believe it is more value. She said that she met a great friend and said it was me. I get to find out if that was something she just said for my benefit or if it was true. I'm thinking true. I would be disappointed with nothing buy the honest truth from her.

So this Saturday - what did I learn? I learned that I am definately a catch and learned that 2 women have desired me (perhaps not now). Anita said she doesn't understand how she can meet two "potentials" at almost the same time and she only chooses Texas over me because of her past with her. Wow. Am I being strung along? Well, if I am, it is nice and makes me feel secure. I tell Marvin why I am attracted to Anita and during our conversation I tell him that next time I come to Sac that I will provide more warning so I can catch up with the DeAnns. Then I let slip that I have always had a crush on his sister. I ask him to please keep it to himself; we giggle alittle about it and then he tells me something I never would have expected: that his sister told him once that if she were single that I would be the one... of course that implies that she would have sought me out. 2 in one weekend. I'm amazed and extremely flattered.

I did not tell Marvin that my crush on his sister was why I had fallen out of touch with her over the years. I even remember when that feeling was extremely intense once when she came to SF for business and asked me to meet for dinner. She invited Lori and I, but, of course, Lori had become isolated and seemed not to go anywhere with me. That was so many years ago ... I'd have to guess it was probably 1997. I met DeAnn at her hotel and we walked someplace downtown near the hotel, had dinner, and she invited me to her room. We talked for a while, I had to sit on her bed as there was no where else to sit. I remember getting nervous at one point and I so wanted to hit on her but knew it would not be a good idea. I made my goodbye and probably only met up with her and her other half one other time after that. And then I did not see them until I visited Marv and Richard this past April at a housewarming party he had. And of course, they were so warm; I even stayed with them - Marv and Richard having zero room at their house.

Wow.
What a weekend - and I was sick. Still am, Monday night, with the worse sore throat of my life. I do believe it hurts more than when I had my tonsils removed.

I have lost my faith. Not that faith; I mean the faith in what I do for a living. I have always said I don't just have a job, it is more like a calling. It is definitely a ministry. No one - ok, no dedicated person - works in law enforcement as a job. Jobs are what you do to give you money to keep doing the other things in life. Law enforcement was something I once claimed I would do for free. That is how most everyone I've known in my field feels about it.

I lost my faith. I am not certain when exactly it started to happen. I know for certain it isn't the most important ministry that suffers; I still make a difference each day in the life of citizen's I assist. But the loss of faith in the organization saddens me. As my friend Ellen says, the relationship with the organization is like a loveless marriage, we stay together for the sake of the children. I think of the arrogance and apathy deep within the organization's management and I am certain that is a key to the loss of faith. This loss isn't only mine; I believe many of us share it.

The arrogance: we assume we are the best because we keep telling ourselves that. We adopt a position that all other organizations cannot and do not measure up to our standards - and true as that may be, borne out by the character flaws that other organizations exhibit - that should not give rise to arrogance. Pride in ourselves, yes we should be proud, but arrogance leading to ignorance? That is what is happening.

The apathy: too many people promoted without a chance to stay close the their roots they have planted for years. Forced to separate from home and loved ones breaks down the essential support we all need to succeed. The arrogance of the organization to disregard this movement adds to the apathy of those moved. The newly minted managers don't care about the commands they are given because they won't be staying long enough to see any changes they might make come to fruition. Some of these new managers haven't a clue how to lead and because they won't be staying, they don't care.

The arrogance of the organization is carried on within some new managers to the point that, combined with an apathy they have, is a poison that does true harm to the local organization. Then, it is carried further afield as the managers continue to promote, move, and become arrogant from the validation they receive by promotions. I could go on, but why?

I feel the apathy.

From January-
REM -
"Losing my Religion"

Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Trying to connect with someone who is distant - unavailable

That's me in the corner
Isolation
That's me in the spotlight
Ambition
Losing my religion
Losing my faith in so many things
Trying to keep up with you
Trying to deal with my ambition and work, career, try to advance
And I don't think I can do it.

Oh no, I've said too much,
I haven't said enough.
I thought I heard you laughing
I though I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Do I think my unavailable partners have tried?
Do I give them a break and recognize there was some good times?
Those consessions take away my anger.

Every whisper
of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
consessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
not listening to my inner self, knowing things weren't right
Consider this
The slip that brought me
to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
come flailing around
I'll be just fine, I've been laid low, but I am glad for the new chance

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
As if I just woke. I thaw and stumble out into the world.

Poetry? February 2001

Dry and warm enough
to paint the backyard fence
in short sleeves

Then cold and wet enough
for snow in the hills
chain control at
highway 35 and 84

Drive up highway 35 to highway 84
stand in the snow.
Watch people come out to play
on a holiday, sleds
made out of
trash can lids.

I decided to continue with some therapy I received free (for 7 visits) for a time. Reason: I keep picking or getting picked by people who are either emotionally unavailable - or, as I recently thought about, need someone to save them. When I think about it, Lori said she was looking for that 'rock,' now why would someone do that? They just want to be taken care of, want to be saved, and there is someone like me - so, I'll bet I need to be in that role - I have been unable to save others so I repeat the whole thing over again by picking people who need saved because... maybe this time; you know what they call that? Insanity. Really, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again with the same results while expecting a different result - insanity.

Now it will get un-fun - because I know who I could not save. I want to be the good guy, hence my profession. Hence my attempts to be perfect and great fear of not knowing how to do something, or having all the answers. I gotta stop this crap. so there.

I began reading a book Colleen gave me "A year in Provence" - about a couple who buy an old French home, on some land, to live on. Imagine doing that? I can. It's a total change - to live differently. The land comes with a vineyard that has been farmed by the neighbors for generations and the new owners understand and keep the traditional arrangement going. To understand the impact they have on their new community and to make the effort to belong, instead of treating their new home as their own private Idaho as many do in a new place. Yes, I can imagine that. I am wanting to live differently.

I went to the No War in Iraq march yesterday (in San Francisco). My favorite sign was obviously from a Raider fan as it said: RAIDER NATION no RAID OTHER NATIONS

One woman I was with was a friend of Mary's and she had made her own sandwich board. One side had a prayer for George W. Bush. I was glad to see something so positive. She asked god for President Bush to lead us to peace. She asked god for President Bush to find a way to break our dependance on oil. She asked god for President Bush to move on from trying to get even for the threat on his daddy's life (ex-pres Bush was targeted some years back after he left office). Lastly she asked god that President Bush not have to send his daughters to war.

So, I combed through the phone bills to figure out some tax stuff (for work, since I have to have a phone, I deduct the basic cost of having a phone).
I see numerous calls to the girlfriend. Shoulda known. I could see she wasted no time in telling her she dumped me, as there are calls immediately after I left for work the night she dropped her bomb on me (Dec. 7, 2002).
Nice going. What the hell of it is, I've paid for the calls from home. Again, nice touch. I am beginning to want to get even some how.

Lori comes to day to pick up the TV and vcr, the 'dining' room table and chairs. The TV was hers, the vcr I'd like to replace with a combo DVD player/VCR, and the table and chairs she picked out and they were cheap (and looked cheap). I'd like just to put her stuff in a box on the sidewalk and leave it there for her to pick up. Just a hitch in the whole thing, just when I'm trying to make sure my credit history looks good, I need to buy replacement stuff. Ok, I want to buy replacement stuff. I should have practiced some self-discipline and not get a new TV - but I did anyway. It is too big to carry upstairs by myself and I guess I'll have to ask Lori for help with that. I think I don't like that idea because I don't want to share anything about myself with her anymore.... or maybe it is good to show I am moving on... as if her moving out is a chance for me to move up... or a chance for me to show her she is only a speed bump on my road.

Well, that made me feel good for a moment. Lori was much more than a speed bump and I did enjoy many years that we had good times. I just wish I had been a big jerk about the no sex thing. Sure were alot of good years that went by.

My past year - 2002
Many months - many big changes - much stress
It is Dec. 29, 2002, and this is my year.

The new year 2002 took me to Redwood City, to live, while the house was being semi-demolished in order to rebuild our only bathroom, add one downstairs, and add a big office space to the garage area. It was difficult being away. I only saw Lori 3 to 5 times during those 4 months, and we actually spent the night together 3 times.

We got into more debt than we bargained for. Thinking we had more money, I purchased major things (bedroom furniture, living room couch and chair, and office furniture) then found out I was a bit tapped out. Lori didn't care. I thought it was because she trusted my judgement - I don't know what to think now.

I transferred from Redwood City after 6 years to Marin. Working in crisis mode day to day became too much for me in Redwood City. Less crisis in Marin, but different management. Grass is only different on the other side of the fence, there are trade-offs.

The day I reported to Marin, I had to make a decision to put down my dog, Liza. It was time, she was so ill and deteriorating. She was really suffering the last night so I took her to the vet and sat with her. It was sad. Lori was at least in on the decision.

We did not do our houseboat trip this year. Too much going on for too many participants. It had become like pulling teeth to get Lori to go sometimes because she never wanted to miss school. I am thinking especially this year, she did not want to miss out on the company of her new lover.

I planned a driving trip with my sis, a golf trip and driving around the southwest to all the georgeous sites in south Utah. Lori doesn't golf and she did not want to miss school (oh sure, like I believe that now) so I went alone - almost. I picked up my good friend Dee and she traveled and golfed with us.

Well, I accepted Lori's reasoning - she was in school and not wanting to miss any of it. But I should have pinned her down over the summer - I was sensing something - she was spending a LOT of time - making time - in the East Bay - always with the excuse that her business was growing and she was doing a lot of jobs; always with one of her classmates.

It was so weird, but I should have trusted myself when I met this classmate I knew - I could feel it - I wish I had been more direct in asking Lori about how everything was going. I wish I had asked her about her classmate - or I wish I had just told her what I was sensing. But NO, I was trying to be secure, or rather, I was trying to not be insecure. Now my security is totally shaken. I am so ticked off about so many things. I am ticked off at Lori and myself.

Why did I even get involved with Lori in the first place? She was seductive - she pursued me - I guess I'm mad at myself for being so flattered by that.

1990 - Lori and I had a rendevous in May; her being in SF and me in SoCal put a lot of distance between us. She got me to see her, asking if she could visit me in SoCal. I had been single for the most of 2 years and I was comfortable with myself, not valuing myself based on how attractive I was to someone else. I figured what the heck, and I did not expect anything further than a weekender. She visited, she left, and sent me cards and called. I was flattered. She persuaded me to meet her half way, I did, and when it came time for me to travel to Sac to play softball, I persuaded myself to stay with her in SF. I don't know if it was that visit, or another one after, but June 23 or 26, 1990, we had dinner at the Patio and she asked me if I was in love (or falling, I can't remember exactly). I was so uncomfortable. How does one answer that? I hemmed and hawed - I talked about how difficult it was to give an anwser to that question. Lori said she understood how scary it is to say yes and the risk of rejection. I was thinking how to not commit to that, I wasn't falling in love, I was liking what we were doing, but in love? Not yet. I pretty much just talked about the rejection issue and I figure it was what we both wanted to hear. I should not have sold out. It was wrong for me, and it was wrong for her.

I was selling out, trading with her. She wanted me, for something, Lori was looking for a rock (her words), financially and emotionally stable (ha). I was willing to trade that for a partner. I am mad at myself because I sold out. I wasn't in love, but in love with the idea of having a partner. I also think that I was glad I wasn't in love because I was thinking that if it doesn't work, I would not have the emotional tumble I had suffered in the past.

I remember thinking, in August 1990, we were at my house in Rialto and she was talking about moving. She said she wanted us to start to live together. I had to make a decision. I remember thinking "I'm not going to transfer" and "I don't lover her like I should." It should have been a no-brainer, live together. It wasn't. I did not love her like I felt I should love someone. I should have been honest then. But I wasn't.

Instead, she left her job and came to live with me until I could move. When we landed back in SF she could not work. At first it was her old job was gone and her boss could not afford to hire her back. She said it was opportunity to start her own business, but she could not seem to get it going. I think she was depressed. She was lost and I left her alone. She had quit smoking but started again. Everytime she started smoking again, I knew something was bothering her. I'd ask and she'd say everything was fine - I remember being so insecure whenever she would try to assure me - because it was not true, something was bugging her. I had to stop being insecure so I started to behave based on belief in her words. Over all the years this would occasionally come up, she would have some sort of aura about her that would make me think she was unhappy - but she would always say all was ok. I think that many years it was OK, until this last year.

I'm mad because I put a lot of effort and went broke re-building the house in order to give her an office - I supported all of her efforts to become her own boss.

I am mad because I put a lot into this relationship because I believed in US. But I am also mad and feeling guilty because I've gotten used to having no prospect of a sexual relationship over the years and I resented it. That issue often pre-occupied me - it angered me. Probably 8 years of hardly any contact. And I can't even tolerate how angry I am that Lori stepped out while still in our relationship.

Mostly I think I am mad and sad to know that I merely repeated a pattern from before - I picked an emotionally unavailable person. AGAIN.

I want someone who will care for me as much as I do for her. When I would have a tight neck and ask Lori to massage my neck and help loosen my tense muscle, she would say that she doesn't like to do that and not once readily did so. It would not occur to me not to nuture, comfort, or help a partner - - yet she did not give my need a thought other than how she would be affected.

Unavailable. I remember thinking how saddened I was whenever I would ask her for a small favor. Hell, even picking me up at the airport, or taking me someplace to get the car serviced, was an issue. I remember thinking I would not have someone to share my old age with who cared about me - or was willing to help me.

I'm mad because I didn't breakup with her myself. Instead I built a life with her - one I thought we both shared and could share. I settled for. I repeated a pattern and this time I wasn't in love and I thought that there was no repeated pattern.

So how do I not do this again? I think I have to be brave enough to deal with rejection in order not to settle for. I have to develop to the point where I can handle disagreement without feeling it is the end of the world. Lori stopped or avoided disagreement because it would be - or she was convinced it would be - the end of the world. I had all the financial power and she must have felt obliged. She would not "fight" because she just wanted everything to be smooth. I did not think I was holding any of that money power over her; I shared it without a word, and honestly, without a thought, because I believed in US.

But still. I don't know how she felt because when I asked she would tell me all was well. I bet it got increasingly worse for her and she may have felt less and less in power (or more and more powerless). I don't know - I'm sure that on some level I may have become less kind because I resented her sexual withholding. I know I was angry about it at least under the surface; because I was resigning myself to a future of no sex. I could accept that situation easier if I was single, but I wasn't single. It was so totally unfair - unfair to me because I had enough honor and integrity to not step outside of our relationship. I am mad because I honored and cherished her and our relationship.

I have good days and bad days.
This is a bad day.
So was most of yesterday.
I have great friends, though. One couple invited me to share their XMAS eve tradition (5pm Mass and Lobster after with very good champagne - I like that tradition!). Another couple had me over for Xmas. Another fine home cooked meal with people who love each other and me.

The bad part? I keep moving through Lori's leaving. All these YEARS of having sex problems, and my being sensitive about it, never arguing, pushing, or making demands. All this and she has gone out and had no problem starting an affair with someone else, and continuing the sexual liason. What the heck was I so nice about? Oh, yeah, I believed in our relationship. Silly me. Can you see how that really makes me TICKED OFF!!!

It is like I'm used. I HATE that!

Lori picked me because I am emotionally and financially strong and stable.
Did she come to this realization after her shrink-rap last week?
Am I emotionally strong and stable? I think I just put on a good show.

How much was true and how much was not?
Was it really ok to pick out the paint for the interior? I remember the give and take that went into the outside colors, yet inside, no input.
Her problem. If she chose to lie about what was ok or not, it is her problem. It becomes my problem only when I'm led to believe that I have "good taste" in design choices.

Been thinking about how I have pick the people to be with - last 2 were extremely unstable financially. Could it be it made them dependent on me, therefore resentful? I think that is so, except, what about that Lori pursued me? I had no intention of being someone's partner when she met and wooed me. huh. Perhaps we both were looking for something. Too bad it did not work.
But thinking on this more - I keep asking myself, 'i want someone who will take care of me'. That doesn't mean I don't care back, just more of some 'taking' on my part, not always 'giving.' My turn.