Day after visiting Micki at the hospital. She is awake alot, in pain, has a gnarly scar, thirsty. Her voice is getting better; once she can talk she can eat. She hasn't in 4 days. She is scared but her multi tasking and memory is amazing, she should be ok if she gets past the "spasm watch" ok... It is so long, though, 2 weeks or more. She is doing so well now that she will likely be relatively fine. For now, we encourage her by her progress and tell her not to worry about the bills at home.

Long time no blog.
December 8, 2008. This past Friday my sister Micki had a small aneurysm leak in her head, causing a sub arachnoid hemorrage. Immediate hospitalization and thank god that her daughter was at home because, otherwise, Micki would not have made it. 50% of people with this problem die because they don't make it to the hospital. Half of the ones who make it to the hospital also die, so she is living in the top 25%. I can't even wrap my mind around how brain damaged most of the left over 25% are. Her prospects so far look good because she was so responsive after surgery Saturday. The bleed was stopped, but she is in so much danger of a major stroke because of the trauma of the initial bleed.

So I was a chicken or something... I don't know what... I didn't want to leave home until later this week to see Micki. My friend, a nurse, told me I have to go now because she is in danger. What was I thinking? So today I am on my way to Portland and staying for 5 days. I'll have to come to terms with myself over why in the world I didn't jump on a plane straight away. I know if it had been Stacy, I woulda been there as fast as I could get there (like Friday night). I care about Micki a great deal. Maybe it is not wanting this episode to be so bad as it is.

V

View from my windshield, probably in Ripon

I began my newest step in my career by taking a promotion to Bakersfield. Still living in 280 mies away is a challenge for me and my family. I found on my way to and from Bakersfield that there is farm land, orchards, some livestock, water towers everywhere, and big open sky. From having lived in San Francisco, with it's big city skyline, to driving through the countryside, I like to expanse the of the far horizons. Everything seems slower, that life is slower. I need that.

http://app.sightspeed.com/vm/hnc5vnr41b84ckkn5kd4t9zhg99aq4ae/14z8/en_US/196/

Cranky and conferences.

SFGate: Daily Dish
Read the Mel Gibson story.
What's the matter, Mel, someone else exercises free speech and it violates your rights? You were criticized as anti-Semetic for the movie The Passion that you made, and it amounts to violating your rights? Is that really what you said? And you expect an apology? From who, now would that be. People who had the right to think and say what they thought against you and your film? Oh, that is because it hurt your feelings.
You can't really expect that no one would have not liked it, or thought you were too tough on the Jews. GROW UP, Dude!

It is awful that I feel such sorrow when watching a senseless movie. That the profound loss portrayed in this movie moved me makes me feel foolish.

I realize I am keeping many things inside me, and I am saddened when I think that I do not love. I remember feeling deep love and, at its loss, a pain that was unbearable. It is something that I have not found in a very long time, something I have not felt in a long time. I am afraid I will not feel it ever again. Not the joy and not the pain. That makes me so sad. I am empty, by design, and I look for fulfillment. I travel, I appreciate fine art. I love to share my experiences, but I only seek to fill that hole.

Business Trip:
Start Sept. 24, a Sunday. Because of the new restrictions on liquids on planes, I was at SMF at 2pm. My flight was at 3:55pm. Nothing unusual, no strangers. After renting the car at ONT, I got lost, again. Seems like I cannot get out of that airport without getting lost. I finally got to the hotel, had to wait while the US forest service fire guys checked in. They had been in the area fighting a local fire, probably the Pinnacles blaze http://www.latimes.com/news/local/state/la-me-iebriefs21.2sep21,1,5423594.story?coll=la-news-state&ctrack=1&cset=true

I don't mind waiting for them, they are heros who need their rest.

I went to dinner at Black Angus. I eat alone once in a while and I don't mind. Company is better, but on business, it is sometimes a necessity. Lots of couples, mostly older. One guy in particular looked funny in his short sleeve plaid cotton shirt, he was at least my age (50s) and he had an earing in his left ear, looked pirate-like. It just didn't fit, that is how I noticed it. There was a dad and daughter couple, reminded me of Naomi and her dad, only the daughter was all cute-girl dressed (a 'baby-doll' top, they look stupid, by the way) and dad was a tanned farmer. He had on clothes you know he wears every day, a style that suits his working man's life. Worn jeans, boots, a long sleeve shirt, papers and a pen in his shirt pocket, and a measuring tape in a worn leather holder on the belt. Oh, and a ball cap with a farm equipment name and that awful mesh material. It was red.

Life is the same all over, from San Bernardino to Sacramento. It is good to know that.

Things got ugly a few months after our dad died.

All of my siblings, except the baby of the family, were at the old house and we talked about who would be in charge of taking care of the ‘estate.’ We all agreed it would be me, I was local, I was the one everyone said they could trust, I’m the one with the stable job. I think they thought they could trust me because I had the most to lose if I cheated. The loss of my public safety job would be too big for me to cheat my siblings. I would not have cheated them anyway.

We had to find an attorney and chose the one who handled my dad’s portion of the divorce. We had to pick someone and we thought he might know some of my dad’s assets. Dad had records, but they weren’t extensive and trying to find everything isn’t easy. He had some life insurance, a beat up old truck and a car in terrible shape. Some stocks and investments in some kind of real estate holding companies (which were nearly worthless). He had the house. We thought he was the sole owner; on paper he was, but my brother made a claim that he had loaned dad money to buy out mom and Daniel claimed never to have been paid back. There was an agreement to sell him half the house.

Being the administrator of an estate, there was no will, I had a fudiciary repsonsibiliyty to guarantee such a claim had the proper backing. I had talked to Daniel about it, and suggested that perhaps the easiest way to settle this was to figure out how much each of the remaining of us kids would pony up to settle that score. I cannot remember how it -became a no-go; one or more felt like it wasn’t right or did not want to give Daniel money. No one knew of this agreement between dad and Daniel prior to this time.

It got ugly. Daniel claimed my sister Micki stole all the records from dad’s files, a claim she denies. She did take all the files because we needed to go through them, and I gave them to the attorney. No record of this promise to sell real estate was ever located. Daniel came up with a copy; it looked like a copy of a copy. He said the orginal was stolen. Micki said there never was such a document in the files, I went through them, the attorney went through them, I don’t believe the attorney had a reason to lie, Micki wouldn’t and neither would, or did, I.

Daniel convinced one of my sisters, Shannon, and my mother, who was at the time the legal guardian to my minor brother, to join him in a tort action to remove me as the administrator of the estate, have himself made the administrator, and obtain half of the house pursuant to the documents he had, the agreement to sell him half of the house. I did not just accept the document, on advice of the estate attorney and the advice of my other two sisters.

The bitterness results from the affidavits Daniel, my sister Shannon, and my mother swore to: that they had knowledge and could prove that I was cheating the estate and using funds from the estate for my personal gain.

How dare my mom claim that she wasn’t allowed to grieve for our father, whom she was divorced from, when he died in 1988. Its 2006, what 18 years have gone by and she carries resentment for … wait until you get this … me! Yes, she blames me! How do you figure? Here is the crooked logic; I was cold to her at my dad’s funeral. Let’s see, I had stopped being clingy to my mom years before, as I grew up and as a teenager just could not take care of being the mom of the family. She had checked out of being responsible and I took over when I was young, hey, someone had to do it and I didn’t know it wasn’t my job.

It was hard to hear her talk about the abusive man my dad was to her. Yes, I did witness family violence, or shall I say, the aftermath. Dad rarely got into it with her in front of us kids. He also never spoke badly about her, even when I lived with him. I didn’t ask, but he didn’t volunteer… not like our mom, boy did she blurt out whatever she felt had on her mind. She was abusive verbally to us kids, very much so. I understand she was frustrated. I can accept that, but it did not help my feelings about myself and my abiding insecurities.

Oh, back to the cold at the funeral thing. I remember thinking I did not want to comfort my mom. I guess because I never have understood how she could speak in such a hateful way about dad over many years – as if I was a confidant, or therapist who should hear these things. To think she was feeling grief for herself was foreign to me and I if I wanted comfort, I certainly did not expect to gain it from her. Instead, I remember thinking this and still do, I would find no comforting but instead would have to give it, as I have given so much all of my life with mom.

I once got hurt at work, had to go to the hospital after a high speed, high impact traffic collision in which I was rear-ended. The one thing I did not want was mom to know about it. I did not want her taking a trip to my house and ‘take care of me’ because I believe it would be me taking care of her. I was in barely in condition to take care of myself, let alone anyone else, emotionally or any other way.

So how does she figure I didn’t let her grieve when our dad died? She gives too much power over herself to others. That is the operative issue here, she gives power away in order to be powerless, thereby blaming others for … everything that goes wrong.

The Buzz: CHP pilot's mission: Fly chief to fundraiser - The Sacramento Bee

Pretty embarrasing, huh? It doesn't sound as bad as the rumors that were humming along on Friday, May 12th - those focused on how the commissioner missed work because his back (an old injury) was bugging him, yet he went to this screening of M.I.III, yet was too injured to attend the memorial at the CHP Academy for the 7 officers who lost their lives this past year in the line of duty. Now, if that were true, it is just plain disrespectful.

Sherrill is the funniest person I know. I wish I had time to read her picks and critiques on all things football.
You go girl, I mean "Handi."

Falwell fighting for holy holiday / He'll sue, boycott groups he sees as muzzling Christmas

C'mon already! The first guy who would scream that he can't worship on Easter in a Muslim country, even an ally of the US (Saudi Arabia bans any service that isn't Muslim) is pushing this. He is looking for a total Christian state. Further in the article, Abe Foxman pulls the curtain back from Falwell's hype - CHRISTMAS ISN'T UNDER ATTACK people.

This is the same as the religious fanatics in the US saying marriage needs defending. Acts to ban all marriage rights for same sex couples are titled "Defense of Marriage," giving the false impression that marriage is under attack.

The saddest thing about all this is, there are too many people out there gullible enough to believe the hype; to believe that the Christian faith is under attack, that marriage needs defending, as if married persons rights will be diminished if other people want the same rights - note, not extra rights, just the same ones, and NO, domestic partner benefits do not give the same protections.
As Napoleon Dynamite might say "frickin' idiots."

NOTE TO MY SISTER
Micki lost her husband last Monday, Sept. 12, 2005

Sept. 20, 2005
Dear Micki,
please bear with me in this note to you.
Simon Wiesenthal died to day. He was 96 years old. His life was spent in the pursuit of justice. He hunted the Nazis who fled Germany after WWII. The ones who hid themselves because they were afraid to face the world for the terrible crimes they committed. Mr. Wiesenthal hunted the perpetrators of the Holocaust. This was his purpose, his mission. He was important and a very significant person.
You are my sister and very dear to me. Tyler was the dearest person to you and also dear to me because of the care and love he showed you. As important to the world as Mr. Wiesenthal was, as significant a person he was - Tyler is no less important to me. Tyler was a significant person.
Most of us live with a faint thought in the back of our mind "why am I here." Many of us want to be remembered for something - or by someone. I figure most people are not going to be remembered by millions. Most of us will be remembered by those we cared for. And that is the only important thing.
Tyler was dear, important and significant and I wish you still had his comfort. I can't feel how you do. Your loss is total and all than more sorrowful for me. I would not want any of my dear ones to feel such total loss. Please accept my deepest sympathies.

NOTE ON OFFICER INVOLVED SHOOTINGS:
To all the families of people who are shot by police, and to future armed assailants;

If you haven't figured it out by now, let me say this: What did you expect? Did you not know that if you call the police to your family dispute, usually with your husband/boyfriend or other male member of your household, the police will arrive expecting that there will be a confrontation?
Did you not know that the police are trained to protect YOU from the assailant? That assailant being your husband/boyfriend or other male member of your household?
Did you not know that the police are going to protect themselves as well?
Did you not know that the police use deadly force as a last resort?

In Belmont, CA, a man holding a large block of concrete advanced on officers who had been ordering him to stop, drop the block, and empty his hands. The officers can't always back away from the threat and at some point, they will have to shoot to protect their own lives or the lives of others. When their assailant committed 'suicide by cop' the family claims that the officers should have 'talked him down.' Oh please, the officers were defending themselves from a deadly attack. What did you expect? Let the man bludgeon the officer with the concrete block? Suffer a blow first with a concrete block before defending oneself? You gotta be kidding.

In Los Angeles, the police are fired upon while rescuing a teenager form her own step-father, who is high on drugs and using his toddler as a shield. There was no talking to him, he cut off negotiation. Hell, he was high on drugs and acting irrationally. Did you expect the officers to wait him out? What about the danger to the little girl? The officers in this incident were specially trained to use distraction (flash bang grenades) and non lethal means (tear gas) to incapacitate the target. He started a gun fight and wounded an officer and then fired upon the officers who were trying to rescue him. What did you expect the officers to do? Let the wounded officer lie in harms way? What if that had been the daughter, lying there with a shoulder wound, bleeding, and the officers just talked to the step-dad? Huh? What then? She might have bled to death and then the officers would be criticized for letting that happen because they didn't 'do something.'

In Dublin, California, the officers in were called to a home and saw a fight. They entered the home and saw a man with a knife heading up the stairs and try to force himself into the room where they had seen the fight. A guy with a knife can attack you, if you even have your gun ready, from 15 to 21 feet way and still get in a stab. Listen, GUY WITH A KNIFE, and family, if men and women in uniforms tell you to drop your weapon, drop the weapon! If the officers see you trying to get into a room where they know there is a person, they will prevent you from doing that by shooting you. They believe someone's life is in danger. If they shoot you, drop the knife and give up, because if you don't, and you advance on the officers, they will shoot you again to protect themselves.

You got that families and potential assailants? How easy can it be: Obey the order to drop your weapon. If you don't, you can expect to be shot. Maybe you will be lucky and the officers will have time to deploy a taser, or maybe not, because those things can kill as well - especially if you are on drugs.

Drop your weapon.

And family? If you want the police to come to your rescue, because remember, these armed people were endangering your lives before the police got there, and don't think for a minute none of these 'loved ones' would have spared you, then call them. If you want to die at the hand of a family member, don't call the police.

Lastly, you were a victim. The police were victims here at well. They grieve for your loss and they truly are sorry, but they do not deserve to be assaulted by your loved one, nor by you later in the court of the press.


http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/08/19/BAdublin19.DTL

HERO: US Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner. Though I would find little to agree with her, but her dissenting opinion in the case where a local government can take private property - for any reason, is terrific. High court backs property seizures / Ruling OKs city's taking of land for private developers Isn't it usually the GOP wanting to protect private property? I guess that is until government, while trying to revitalize an area and is contracting it out to a corporation. Then the needs of the corporation will win out. Do they think we won't notice?! Thank you, Justice O'Connor, for being a hero in this.

HEROS AND VILLAINS
Hero: Jack Kilby JACK KILBY: 1923-2005 / Nobel Prize winner's research sparked the digital revolution Invented the integrated circuit. Claims he was the lucky one to stumble on it first. Recognized the efforts of others when he won the Nobel Piece Prize. His accomplishment changed our world and he was humble about it. What a guy.

Hero: New York Representative Jerrold Nadler because he wants to make it possible for same-sex bi-national couples to remain in the United States. Heterosexual couples get to do this simply by marrying. Of course, gay people are not allowed to do that. There are many fraud marriages, be it knowingly, or be it unknown to the American spouse (now there is an ultimate betrayal), and don't think it doesn't happen! Nadler's legislation will fail because the homophobes won't allow it.

Hero(s) and villain(s): United States House of Representatives. Flag burning. Do we need an Amendment to the Constitution to ban burning the flag of the United States? It is pieced of cloth. It is symbolic. It is NOT the same as torching the White House or a museum or a church. The mere fact that it is a symbol of freedom protects the disrespectful who burn it as a statement - free speech is a freedom. Representatives who insist on this ridiculous amendment are just the ones who want to restrict freedoms (really, why aren't they into gun registration/prohibition?). They are villains. The heros are the representatives who continually speak out to defend freedom of speech and take the hits from the villains that they are somehow un-American because they don't support this amendment. The villains will insist that the heros are for flag burning when, in fact, they are against the restriction of the First Amendment.

Don't you just hate it when words get twisted?

Survey: Most States Allow Speed Cushion

The Associated Press reports that police tend to give a ten-mile-per-hour cushion to motorists. I agree with the article completely. When the speed limit on the majority of urban freeways within California went from 55 mph to 65 mph, a speed motorists were already traveling due to the same practice of allowing the cushion, I knew we were headed for even higher speeds. Motorists are so accustomed to the extra 10 mph that their speeds crept on up to 75 mph. Being in a law enforcement agency that has the mission to patrol the freeways, this is unacceptable and unsafe.

What should an officer do? Of course, enforce the speed limit, not the 10 mph over. That means writing citations at 66 mph!? Well, that's unheard of, and you want to know why? Let me ask you this, ever been in court and have the traffic commissioner, or judge, state for the record that there must be a cushion to allow for mistakes by the officer, calibration, whatever? An officer hears that and he or she will forever be allowing for the variance this includes. He or she will pass on the word, and believe me, every officer in the courtroom who heard the same judicial announcement will pass the word and nothing travels faster than words between police officers.

The culture has to change on all levels. The courts' officers who make these pronouncements have to realize the impact they have because their judgment is the final word. Police will not issue citations that the local court won't support. It damages the officers' credibility within that court, and makes him or her ineffective. Officers have to be firm and fair - key word here is fair - and enforce the law for the safety of the public evenly. And you, the rest of us, the largest common denominator, have to slow down. The expectation of 10 mph over the limit is crazy, and dangerous, I mean, how fast do you need to go!

Nixon's Empire Strikes Back
Nixon's Empire Strikes BackIf we just wait long enough, everything comes back around. It was this way with awful earthtones form the 60's and equally nutty clothing like bell bottoms. More sinister than any clothing fashion is the resurrection of men scandals when Nixon "fell." To succeed, they will shut down independent media, free thought, the watch dogs for us all. With the federal government working to cut the budget for public broadcasting, there will be less and less coverage from this "alternative" view. We will receive only the information the people in charge want us to receive. All those Nixonians should have been discredited. They, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and all Nixon's other go-to guys, are back in control. The elected people are not any better. Our senators are working to give up all oversight. The executive branch grows stronger. The freedoms guaranteed to us, what we hold most sacred, what we should hold most sacred, are being whittled away by such this as The Patriot Act. It is too much. We have puppets being appointed to the judiciary and just as frightening, our idiot-king just appointed two men to be ambassadors, to Great Britain and Italy. The qualifications of these men? Business men with no diplomatic backgrounds.. Oh, yes, I forgot to mention, they are rich and made large contributions. How nice.

Sat 8/7/2004 12:37 PM
Leaks can be embarassing.
So, some poor senator takes it upon himself to leak information. He was the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee (what the heck do they do, anyway?).
The NSA (National Security Agency, the agency that tells the president what to worry about) had intercepted two messages in the days before the Sept. 11, 2001, disaster. These messages were in Arabic (duh) but were not translated until the day after the attack on our country. The messages said "the match is about to begin", and "tomorrow is zero hour."
Remember, folks, these messages only were specific about when. There is not mention of how, what or where. We didn't have any coded color chart to tell us how much danger we might be in back then.
Well, the poor senator is in hot water. The Senate Ethics Committee is looking into it because these messages that are intercepted are highly sensitive.
I think that in addition to being sensitive, and for all sorts of reasons they are, not the least of which is the fact that a message was intercepted, the senator has embarassed the Bush Administration. And they are pissed off. What was that senator thinking, anyway? Is it cool to have information no one else has, did it make him feel like a big shot, as if he was in charge of anything? Ah, who knows. It is slightly amusing to me because the senator is a Republican.
Yeah, I take a small perverse pleasure in this.
The news, by the way, came from an article from Associated Press reporter JEFFREY McMURRAY. I read it in my home down newspaper. I hope this link works if you are interested in seeing it for yourself.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/08/05/national1709EDT0701.DTL

Thu 12/9/2004 9:44 AM
Look out, a distorted history is beginning to repeat.
Awesome! Just listened, and made notes, from KQED’s Forum program on the Intelligence Overhaul. Yeah, I don’t believe making bureaucracy bigger will help. We are no safer under the eye of government, of “big brother.” Actually, we are more in danger, individually in danger for our opinions, our dissident thoughts. Woe to the person who disagrees. But that is another issue. The radio program wasn’t about that.

http://www.kqed.org/epArchive/R412080900 check it out. Especially the last minutes of the program. Where a caller brings up the money issue and the idea that Americans are hated. In a nutshell, it ain’t about us. How convenient if it were. Just like any dysfunctional person (hey, I should know, this is my personal cross to bear), if it were about ‘us’ we could change, we could control it. See – control. Yeah, I’m a freak of the control kind, but that is beside the point. The point is, and yes I have one, Al Queda, this recent attack on our American way of life, isn’t because Americans are asses – we are, admit it. It isn’t because we are arrogant – we are. It is a religious insurgency. Al Queda has a hope for a future way of life, a world order, based in a sect of the Muslim religion. Do I need to remind everyone how oppressive and repressive that will be?

I had always held that we should all live together, live and let live, you believe what you want, I will believe what I want – we all have our truths. Just stay out of and away from my body. Give me liberty to pursue my path. Well, this won’t be the way it is in a world where we live by an interpretation of an ancient religious book by a repressive sect of leaders. What do we do about that?