I began reading a book Colleen gave me "A year in Provence" - about a couple who buy an old French home, on some land, to live on. Imagine doing that? I can. It's a total change - to live differently. The land comes with a vineyard that has been farmed by the neighbors for generations and the new owners understand and keep the traditional arrangement going. To understand the impact they have on their new community and to make the effort to belong, instead of treating their new home as their own private Idaho as many do in a new place. Yes, I can imagine that. I am wanting to live differently.

I went to the No War in Iraq march yesterday (in San Francisco). My favorite sign was obviously from a Raider fan as it said: RAIDER NATION no RAID OTHER NATIONS

One woman I was with was a friend of Mary's and she had made her own sandwich board. One side had a prayer for George W. Bush. I was glad to see something so positive. She asked god for President Bush to lead us to peace. She asked god for President Bush to find a way to break our dependance on oil. She asked god for President Bush to move on from trying to get even for the threat on his daddy's life (ex-pres Bush was targeted some years back after he left office). Lastly she asked god that President Bush not have to send his daughters to war.

So, I combed through the phone bills to figure out some tax stuff (for work, since I have to have a phone, I deduct the basic cost of having a phone).
I see numerous calls to the girlfriend. Shoulda known. I could see she wasted no time in telling her she dumped me, as there are calls immediately after I left for work the night she dropped her bomb on me (Dec. 7, 2002).
Nice going. What the hell of it is, I've paid for the calls from home. Again, nice touch. I am beginning to want to get even some how.

Lori comes to day to pick up the TV and vcr, the 'dining' room table and chairs. The TV was hers, the vcr I'd like to replace with a combo DVD player/VCR, and the table and chairs she picked out and they were cheap (and looked cheap). I'd like just to put her stuff in a box on the sidewalk and leave it there for her to pick up. Just a hitch in the whole thing, just when I'm trying to make sure my credit history looks good, I need to buy replacement stuff. Ok, I want to buy replacement stuff. I should have practiced some self-discipline and not get a new TV - but I did anyway. It is too big to carry upstairs by myself and I guess I'll have to ask Lori for help with that. I think I don't like that idea because I don't want to share anything about myself with her anymore.... or maybe it is good to show I am moving on... as if her moving out is a chance for me to move up... or a chance for me to show her she is only a speed bump on my road.

Well, that made me feel good for a moment. Lori was much more than a speed bump and I did enjoy many years that we had good times. I just wish I had been a big jerk about the no sex thing. Sure were alot of good years that went by.

My past year - 2002
Many months - many big changes - much stress
It is Dec. 29, 2002, and this is my year.

The new year 2002 took me to Redwood City, to live, while the house was being semi-demolished in order to rebuild our only bathroom, add one downstairs, and add a big office space to the garage area. It was difficult being away. I only saw Lori 3 to 5 times during those 4 months, and we actually spent the night together 3 times.

We got into more debt than we bargained for. Thinking we had more money, I purchased major things (bedroom furniture, living room couch and chair, and office furniture) then found out I was a bit tapped out. Lori didn't care. I thought it was because she trusted my judgement - I don't know what to think now.

I transferred from Redwood City after 6 years to Marin. Working in crisis mode day to day became too much for me in Redwood City. Less crisis in Marin, but different management. Grass is only different on the other side of the fence, there are trade-offs.

The day I reported to Marin, I had to make a decision to put down my dog, Liza. It was time, she was so ill and deteriorating. She was really suffering the last night so I took her to the vet and sat with her. It was sad. Lori was at least in on the decision.

We did not do our houseboat trip this year. Too much going on for too many participants. It had become like pulling teeth to get Lori to go sometimes because she never wanted to miss school. I am thinking especially this year, she did not want to miss out on the company of her new lover.

I planned a driving trip with my sis, a golf trip and driving around the southwest to all the georgeous sites in south Utah. Lori doesn't golf and she did not want to miss school (oh sure, like I believe that now) so I went alone - almost. I picked up my good friend Dee and she traveled and golfed with us.

Well, I accepted Lori's reasoning - she was in school and not wanting to miss any of it. But I should have pinned her down over the summer - I was sensing something - she was spending a LOT of time - making time - in the East Bay - always with the excuse that her business was growing and she was doing a lot of jobs; always with one of her classmates.

It was so weird, but I should have trusted myself when I met this classmate I knew - I could feel it - I wish I had been more direct in asking Lori about how everything was going. I wish I had asked her about her classmate - or I wish I had just told her what I was sensing. But NO, I was trying to be secure, or rather, I was trying to not be insecure. Now my security is totally shaken. I am so ticked off about so many things. I am ticked off at Lori and myself.

Why did I even get involved with Lori in the first place? She was seductive - she pursued me - I guess I'm mad at myself for being so flattered by that.

1990 - Lori and I had a rendevous in May; her being in SF and me in SoCal put a lot of distance between us. She got me to see her, asking if she could visit me in SoCal. I had been single for the most of 2 years and I was comfortable with myself, not valuing myself based on how attractive I was to someone else. I figured what the heck, and I did not expect anything further than a weekender. She visited, she left, and sent me cards and called. I was flattered. She persuaded me to meet her half way, I did, and when it came time for me to travel to Sac to play softball, I persuaded myself to stay with her in SF. I don't know if it was that visit, or another one after, but June 23 or 26, 1990, we had dinner at the Patio and she asked me if I was in love (or falling, I can't remember exactly). I was so uncomfortable. How does one answer that? I hemmed and hawed - I talked about how difficult it was to give an anwser to that question. Lori said she understood how scary it is to say yes and the risk of rejection. I was thinking how to not commit to that, I wasn't falling in love, I was liking what we were doing, but in love? Not yet. I pretty much just talked about the rejection issue and I figure it was what we both wanted to hear. I should not have sold out. It was wrong for me, and it was wrong for her.

I was selling out, trading with her. She wanted me, for something, Lori was looking for a rock (her words), financially and emotionally stable (ha). I was willing to trade that for a partner. I am mad at myself because I sold out. I wasn't in love, but in love with the idea of having a partner. I also think that I was glad I wasn't in love because I was thinking that if it doesn't work, I would not have the emotional tumble I had suffered in the past.

I remember thinking, in August 1990, we were at my house in Rialto and she was talking about moving. She said she wanted us to start to live together. I had to make a decision. I remember thinking "I'm not going to transfer" and "I don't lover her like I should." It should have been a no-brainer, live together. It wasn't. I did not love her like I felt I should love someone. I should have been honest then. But I wasn't.

Instead, she left her job and came to live with me until I could move. When we landed back in SF she could not work. At first it was her old job was gone and her boss could not afford to hire her back. She said it was opportunity to start her own business, but she could not seem to get it going. I think she was depressed. She was lost and I left her alone. She had quit smoking but started again. Everytime she started smoking again, I knew something was bothering her. I'd ask and she'd say everything was fine - I remember being so insecure whenever she would try to assure me - because it was not true, something was bugging her. I had to stop being insecure so I started to behave based on belief in her words. Over all the years this would occasionally come up, she would have some sort of aura about her that would make me think she was unhappy - but she would always say all was ok. I think that many years it was OK, until this last year.

I'm mad because I put a lot of effort and went broke re-building the house in order to give her an office - I supported all of her efforts to become her own boss.

I am mad because I put a lot into this relationship because I believed in US. But I am also mad and feeling guilty because I've gotten used to having no prospect of a sexual relationship over the years and I resented it. That issue often pre-occupied me - it angered me. Probably 8 years of hardly any contact. And I can't even tolerate how angry I am that Lori stepped out while still in our relationship.

Mostly I think I am mad and sad to know that I merely repeated a pattern from before - I picked an emotionally unavailable person. AGAIN.

I want someone who will care for me as much as I do for her. When I would have a tight neck and ask Lori to massage my neck and help loosen my tense muscle, she would say that she doesn't like to do that and not once readily did so. It would not occur to me not to nuture, comfort, or help a partner - - yet she did not give my need a thought other than how she would be affected.

Unavailable. I remember thinking how saddened I was whenever I would ask her for a small favor. Hell, even picking me up at the airport, or taking me someplace to get the car serviced, was an issue. I remember thinking I would not have someone to share my old age with who cared about me - or was willing to help me.

I'm mad because I didn't breakup with her myself. Instead I built a life with her - one I thought we both shared and could share. I settled for. I repeated a pattern and this time I wasn't in love and I thought that there was no repeated pattern.

So how do I not do this again? I think I have to be brave enough to deal with rejection in order not to settle for. I have to develop to the point where I can handle disagreement without feeling it is the end of the world. Lori stopped or avoided disagreement because it would be - or she was convinced it would be - the end of the world. I had all the financial power and she must have felt obliged. She would not "fight" because she just wanted everything to be smooth. I did not think I was holding any of that money power over her; I shared it without a word, and honestly, without a thought, because I believed in US.

But still. I don't know how she felt because when I asked she would tell me all was well. I bet it got increasingly worse for her and she may have felt less and less in power (or more and more powerless). I don't know - I'm sure that on some level I may have become less kind because I resented her sexual withholding. I know I was angry about it at least under the surface; because I was resigning myself to a future of no sex. I could accept that situation easier if I was single, but I wasn't single. It was so totally unfair - unfair to me because I had enough honor and integrity to not step outside of our relationship. I am mad because I honored and cherished her and our relationship.

I have good days and bad days.
This is a bad day.
So was most of yesterday.
I have great friends, though. One couple invited me to share their XMAS eve tradition (5pm Mass and Lobster after with very good champagne - I like that tradition!). Another couple had me over for Xmas. Another fine home cooked meal with people who love each other and me.

The bad part? I keep moving through Lori's leaving. All these YEARS of having sex problems, and my being sensitive about it, never arguing, pushing, or making demands. All this and she has gone out and had no problem starting an affair with someone else, and continuing the sexual liason. What the heck was I so nice about? Oh, yeah, I believed in our relationship. Silly me. Can you see how that really makes me TICKED OFF!!!

It is like I'm used. I HATE that!

Lori picked me because I am emotionally and financially strong and stable.
Did she come to this realization after her shrink-rap last week?
Am I emotionally strong and stable? I think I just put on a good show.

How much was true and how much was not?
Was it really ok to pick out the paint for the interior? I remember the give and take that went into the outside colors, yet inside, no input.
Her problem. If she chose to lie about what was ok or not, it is her problem. It becomes my problem only when I'm led to believe that I have "good taste" in design choices.

Been thinking about how I have pick the people to be with - last 2 were extremely unstable financially. Could it be it made them dependent on me, therefore resentful? I think that is so, except, what about that Lori pursued me? I had no intention of being someone's partner when she met and wooed me. huh. Perhaps we both were looking for something. Too bad it did not work.
But thinking on this more - I keep asking myself, 'i want someone who will take care of me'. That doesn't mean I don't care back, just more of some 'taking' on my part, not always 'giving.' My turn.

How did I get here? I mean driving home from teaching. The constant things keep happening; I get up, answer email, get ready for work, work, pay bills, balance the checkbook, and buy groceries. The big event, the end of my 12 year relationship/partnership, which upset my apple cart, is still there, but the “constants” don’t change. The “constants” are unaffected by that event. My life goes on as I try to find a way to navigate what is both heartbreaking and maddening.

After all this time of being in a deepening hell, why did my partner pick NOW for the time to split? Why now? After building an extra room, to use as an office, and an extra bathroom for her employees, why now? After incurring extra debt on the house, why now? I just don’t get it.

I’m not angry anymore. I’m feeling this was a major inconvenience, but I understand how she feels. I think, to be honest, I am glad this relationship ended. I have to admit that I was not all that happy with the prospect with spending the rest of my days with her.

Did I not mention it to her because it is better to have someone than to not have someone? I believe I used to think that way, because I used to assign a value to myself based on the fact I felt I was of no value unless another valued me. That was the old me. I probably still have some lingering doubts about my self-worth, but, overall, I am over that. Huh. How about that.

seriously - can I buy her out?

OLD POSTS
[4/14/2001 12:12:08 AM | Old Dawg]
Don't apologize to unsafe Chinese and their crazy pilots.

[edit]
[4/13/2001 11:27:14 PM | Old Dawg]
Apology accepted::
Our legal system, here in America, prevents true atonement and keeps us from healing. The path to reconciliation is through being able to say you are responsible and sorry for a wrong - yet in a civil court this amounts to admitting guilt. It's crazy. Our submarine bashes a fishing boat and the sailors can't say they are sorry and take responsibility because lawyers advise them not to. It just isn't right. [I think the Chinese pilot Wang Wei was a topgun guy who got too close, let's see if the Chinese will admit wrong]

[edit]

Further saga. I'm not even that mad anymore.. She done me wrong, but being ticked doesn't do anything.
Lori isn't moving into her sister's it's only one room (blah blah blah).. no, she found a house in Albany instead, $1800 in rent. I figure NO WAY is she living there alone. She can no way afford the rent.
Time to see if I can buy her out of this place. I will never be able to afford to buy in the Bay Area if we have to sell. That means I'll make way too much to rent (for tax purposes) all because she just can't "do this" anymore.
Time to separate the finances before she starts the drain. I can only hope she is honest - but, based on the recent past, that is probably not true.

Years and years of Lori not being independent I guess is just too much. I understand, but..... it still isn't fair. Do I, should I, feel used? No. I knew she did not have the greatest job and relied on me. I was comfortable with that. She apparently wasn't and isn't. She says she has lost herself. I guess this is one of those truly "It isn't you, it's me" break-ups.

She is moving at the end of the month. She is going to run her business out of the office - but this can't last forever because I don't want to stay in SF forever. I love the city, but I also want something else. I have to remember to take my time reconstructing myself. I am not that person, though. This is going to be difficult.

Where do I start?

More on "This is just great." Coming home after work, I feel like I don't want to separate from my partner. Can we repair our damage? When I wake up, I am pissed all over again.
What the hell do we do now?

I got my pride, living like roomates is probably out. Sell the house? Ya know, picking up my life and starting over is do-able. I got a job, a good one, and hardly any debt. I don't have a home business to move (but she does). No wonder it is scary for her, but, HEY, she did this.

This is just great. My partner of over 12 years, Lori, just hits me up side of the head with "I've been lying and cheating." Oh, and, "I just couldn't not tell you." I'm glad she feels better now, I don't - and I'm even more glad I said that to her.
What is sad is, I only feel pissed off. I am glad I don't feel all sad and crying like it is the end of the world. It is, but I'm more angry about it than sad.
I know I'm the type of person who wants immediate resolution to this new development. I want to re-write my future and I want to start now. I also keep thinking, "now's my chance," as if I want to start over - again. What about all the money and debt we just incurred rebuilding the house? What about - everything? The planned vacation to France with - oh yeah, my friends and my family (sister).
One of the things she is so lost about is how she is so not into socializing with my friends. If we do anything social at all it is because I arrange it. Has she ever done anything to include me with her circle of friends, co-workers? Hardly ever, except the time she had her affair buddy over; dinner, cards. I kept feeling very uncomfortable around her pal, I knew it then, but I respected Lori's integrity to not pin her down over it.

I can think of all sorts of stuff to be pissed about.

So here goes, to Lori:

Friends - you don't keep in touch with the ones you had. You made new ones, haven't set up anything to include me, so just face it, you don't want me around. You feel like you are in the background when you are near my friends. You're lack of value for yourself has pushed you away.

Deferring to me - so you feel obligated to go along with everything I want because you rely on me for money. Terrific. You probably felt like I would pull the plug on it all, move on with my life. I guess you don't understand what our committment meant. I was dedicated, you were afraid of losing my income. The last time, probably one of the only times you actually let me know you felt strongly about wanting to do something (the front yard), you brought up that I always get my way and you never try to block me; hey, like I said then, every issue stands on its own. Don't you remember that we agreed to reach a compromise? You would actually try to see if you could replace the street tree with the one thing I felt strongly about (stupid cherry tree). You won't call the city, though. You don't want to hear "no" for an answer and assume that is the answer, so you won't try. But, we did agree to see if we could pot the thing, and maybe build a windbreak for it in the backyard.

What do we do now? "We" will never be the same.

I am too cheap to pay for bloglog.
Friday, my day off. Playing pool with my pal, drinking beer - a very good day. Can you name that tune? The Kinks - then some damn company christmas party at the "great entertainer" pool - dart - hall. Geez, the music changes to modern christmas-mall music. Time to blow this scene. Well, as long as I am home and not blowing any more money on something I don't need; worrying if my United flight will still go for April 2003. They have my $650, what the heck to they care?

On Being an Election Clerk (in San Francisco)
Hey, it ain't so bad. Mind-numbingly boring, but not so bad. Most people were friendly and willing to find some humor when I made my lame jokes.
There is this one woman, though. I remember her from the primary in March. She must have a very sad life because it seems that everything is such an inconvienence to her. Good golly, just removing the little stubs on her ballot cards was such a pain for her. She asked if we had ballots in English, (of course they are printed with all the languages and I thought to tell her that if we had to differentiate who wanted which ballot, we would have 16 different cards to hand out, oh, but wait, that would be our problem). I just about told her off, and I wish I had thought to suggest she vote absentee next time, seeing as how coming down to the poll is such a negative experience for her (and more importantly, for us). Some people are just unhappy about life.

Vacation, 3 weeks of... of what? Wishing I was anywhere but where I was. I think I wanted to be alone. Totally, no one around, alone. It was cold and windy at Bryce Canyon, but oh so beautiful. It snowed at the North Rim (Grand Canyon) and, again, too cold and windy to enjoy it the way I wanted to. I think I expect some kind of epiphany when I see the vast places. I know that looking long enough brings me to place where there is no time. It is a transition and I keep looking for that peace.

Can't get a days work in. Back hurts from very stupid lifting injury. I won't get to go to PT (physical therapy) until Tuesday and I had a fight with my partner when I was trying to fall asleep last night. Crappy way to start Fri. the 13th.