I have good days and bad days.
This is a bad day.
So was most of yesterday.
I have great friends, though. One couple invited me to share their XMAS eve tradition (5pm Mass and Lobster after with very good champagne - I like that tradition!). Another couple had me over for Xmas. Another fine home cooked meal with people who love each other and me.

The bad part? I keep moving through Lori's leaving. All these YEARS of having sex problems, and my being sensitive about it, never arguing, pushing, or making demands. All this and she has gone out and had no problem starting an affair with someone else, and continuing the sexual liason. What the heck was I so nice about? Oh, yeah, I believed in our relationship. Silly me. Can you see how that really makes me TICKED OFF!!!

It is like I'm used. I HATE that!

Lori picked me because I am emotionally and financially strong and stable.
Did she come to this realization after her shrink-rap last week?
Am I emotionally strong and stable? I think I just put on a good show.

How much was true and how much was not?
Was it really ok to pick out the paint for the interior? I remember the give and take that went into the outside colors, yet inside, no input.
Her problem. If she chose to lie about what was ok or not, it is her problem. It becomes my problem only when I'm led to believe that I have "good taste" in design choices.

Been thinking about how I have pick the people to be with - last 2 were extremely unstable financially. Could it be it made them dependent on me, therefore resentful? I think that is so, except, what about that Lori pursued me? I had no intention of being someone's partner when she met and wooed me. huh. Perhaps we both were looking for something. Too bad it did not work.
But thinking on this more - I keep asking myself, 'i want someone who will take care of me'. That doesn't mean I don't care back, just more of some 'taking' on my part, not always 'giving.' My turn.

How did I get here? I mean driving home from teaching. The constant things keep happening; I get up, answer email, get ready for work, work, pay bills, balance the checkbook, and buy groceries. The big event, the end of my 12 year relationship/partnership, which upset my apple cart, is still there, but the “constants” don’t change. The “constants” are unaffected by that event. My life goes on as I try to find a way to navigate what is both heartbreaking and maddening.

After all this time of being in a deepening hell, why did my partner pick NOW for the time to split? Why now? After building an extra room, to use as an office, and an extra bathroom for her employees, why now? After incurring extra debt on the house, why now? I just don’t get it.

I’m not angry anymore. I’m feeling this was a major inconvenience, but I understand how she feels. I think, to be honest, I am glad this relationship ended. I have to admit that I was not all that happy with the prospect with spending the rest of my days with her.

Did I not mention it to her because it is better to have someone than to not have someone? I believe I used to think that way, because I used to assign a value to myself based on the fact I felt I was of no value unless another valued me. That was the old me. I probably still have some lingering doubts about my self-worth, but, overall, I am over that. Huh. How about that.

seriously - can I buy her out?

OLD POSTS
[4/14/2001 12:12:08 AM | Old Dawg]
Don't apologize to unsafe Chinese and their crazy pilots.

[edit]
[4/13/2001 11:27:14 PM | Old Dawg]
Apology accepted::
Our legal system, here in America, prevents true atonement and keeps us from healing. The path to reconciliation is through being able to say you are responsible and sorry for a wrong - yet in a civil court this amounts to admitting guilt. It's crazy. Our submarine bashes a fishing boat and the sailors can't say they are sorry and take responsibility because lawyers advise them not to. It just isn't right. [I think the Chinese pilot Wang Wei was a topgun guy who got too close, let's see if the Chinese will admit wrong]

[edit]

Further saga. I'm not even that mad anymore.. She done me wrong, but being ticked doesn't do anything.
Lori isn't moving into her sister's it's only one room (blah blah blah).. no, she found a house in Albany instead, $1800 in rent. I figure NO WAY is she living there alone. She can no way afford the rent.
Time to see if I can buy her out of this place. I will never be able to afford to buy in the Bay Area if we have to sell. That means I'll make way too much to rent (for tax purposes) all because she just can't "do this" anymore.
Time to separate the finances before she starts the drain. I can only hope she is honest - but, based on the recent past, that is probably not true.

Years and years of Lori not being independent I guess is just too much. I understand, but..... it still isn't fair. Do I, should I, feel used? No. I knew she did not have the greatest job and relied on me. I was comfortable with that. She apparently wasn't and isn't. She says she has lost herself. I guess this is one of those truly "It isn't you, it's me" break-ups.

She is moving at the end of the month. She is going to run her business out of the office - but this can't last forever because I don't want to stay in SF forever. I love the city, but I also want something else. I have to remember to take my time reconstructing myself. I am not that person, though. This is going to be difficult.

Where do I start?

More on "This is just great." Coming home after work, I feel like I don't want to separate from my partner. Can we repair our damage? When I wake up, I am pissed all over again.
What the hell do we do now?

I got my pride, living like roomates is probably out. Sell the house? Ya know, picking up my life and starting over is do-able. I got a job, a good one, and hardly any debt. I don't have a home business to move (but she does). No wonder it is scary for her, but, HEY, she did this.

This is just great. My partner of over 12 years, Lori, just hits me up side of the head with "I've been lying and cheating." Oh, and, "I just couldn't not tell you." I'm glad she feels better now, I don't - and I'm even more glad I said that to her.
What is sad is, I only feel pissed off. I am glad I don't feel all sad and crying like it is the end of the world. It is, but I'm more angry about it than sad.
I know I'm the type of person who wants immediate resolution to this new development. I want to re-write my future and I want to start now. I also keep thinking, "now's my chance," as if I want to start over - again. What about all the money and debt we just incurred rebuilding the house? What about - everything? The planned vacation to France with - oh yeah, my friends and my family (sister).
One of the things she is so lost about is how she is so not into socializing with my friends. If we do anything social at all it is because I arrange it. Has she ever done anything to include me with her circle of friends, co-workers? Hardly ever, except the time she had her affair buddy over; dinner, cards. I kept feeling very uncomfortable around her pal, I knew it then, but I respected Lori's integrity to not pin her down over it.

I can think of all sorts of stuff to be pissed about.

So here goes, to Lori:

Friends - you don't keep in touch with the ones you had. You made new ones, haven't set up anything to include me, so just face it, you don't want me around. You feel like you are in the background when you are near my friends. You're lack of value for yourself has pushed you away.

Deferring to me - so you feel obligated to go along with everything I want because you rely on me for money. Terrific. You probably felt like I would pull the plug on it all, move on with my life. I guess you don't understand what our committment meant. I was dedicated, you were afraid of losing my income. The last time, probably one of the only times you actually let me know you felt strongly about wanting to do something (the front yard), you brought up that I always get my way and you never try to block me; hey, like I said then, every issue stands on its own. Don't you remember that we agreed to reach a compromise? You would actually try to see if you could replace the street tree with the one thing I felt strongly about (stupid cherry tree). You won't call the city, though. You don't want to hear "no" for an answer and assume that is the answer, so you won't try. But, we did agree to see if we could pot the thing, and maybe build a windbreak for it in the backyard.

What do we do now? "We" will never be the same.

I am too cheap to pay for bloglog.
Friday, my day off. Playing pool with my pal, drinking beer - a very good day. Can you name that tune? The Kinks - then some damn company christmas party at the "great entertainer" pool - dart - hall. Geez, the music changes to modern christmas-mall music. Time to blow this scene. Well, as long as I am home and not blowing any more money on something I don't need; worrying if my United flight will still go for April 2003. They have my $650, what the heck to they care?

On Being an Election Clerk (in San Francisco)
Hey, it ain't so bad. Mind-numbingly boring, but not so bad. Most people were friendly and willing to find some humor when I made my lame jokes.
There is this one woman, though. I remember her from the primary in March. She must have a very sad life because it seems that everything is such an inconvienence to her. Good golly, just removing the little stubs on her ballot cards was such a pain for her. She asked if we had ballots in English, (of course they are printed with all the languages and I thought to tell her that if we had to differentiate who wanted which ballot, we would have 16 different cards to hand out, oh, but wait, that would be our problem). I just about told her off, and I wish I had thought to suggest she vote absentee next time, seeing as how coming down to the poll is such a negative experience for her (and more importantly, for us). Some people are just unhappy about life.

Vacation, 3 weeks of... of what? Wishing I was anywhere but where I was. I think I wanted to be alone. Totally, no one around, alone. It was cold and windy at Bryce Canyon, but oh so beautiful. It snowed at the North Rim (Grand Canyon) and, again, too cold and windy to enjoy it the way I wanted to. I think I expect some kind of epiphany when I see the vast places. I know that looking long enough brings me to place where there is no time. It is a transition and I keep looking for that peace.

Can't get a days work in. Back hurts from very stupid lifting injury. I won't get to go to PT (physical therapy) until Tuesday and I had a fight with my partner when I was trying to fall asleep last night. Crappy way to start Fri. the 13th.

Reading a book by Jacob Neddleman - The American Soul. Think on this:
"Laws and statutes, no matter how carefully written, can never take the place of individual ethical choice or action."

How does this relate to me and my job?

I supervise people who occassionally will point to policy and ask 'show me where it says I have to do (whatever).' The above exerpt explains it all. I cannot, nor can our employers, or on a bigger scale, our society/government, make laws to cover everything. We have to do what we know is best, what we know is right.